Pop Culture of the Three Kingdoms
by xMrPolyx
Summary: What do you get when you mix Dynasty Warriors with pop culture and complete idiocy? It might look a bit like this story!
1. Beginning of the Yellow Turban Rebellion

**Pop Culture of the Three Kingdoms**

_-Disclaimer!!-_

_I do not own Dynasty Warriors, KOEI, Mexico, Heineken, WWE, or anything else that might get mentioned in this fanfic all of a sudden. In fact, let's just say that all that I own are the LETTERS ON YOUR SCREEN. S-E-E? L-E-T-T-E-R-S. Hehe. Fun._

_ALRIGHT, BACK TO THE STORY!_

**Chapter One: Beginning of the Yellow Turban Rebellion**

––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

**Narrator:** Okai, so liek, it wuz the 184 AD, am I rite? There wuz WOAR!1! All teh pplz were corrupt and angree! They killd each other, LOL!

Then… there wuz a weird hobo dood named Zhang Jiao. He looks liek Jezuz LOL!!

**Zhang Jiao:** HAHAHAHAHA!!! FEEL THE WRATH OF HEAVEN!!! YELLOW TURBANS, GO OUT, AND DESTROOOOYYY THESE FOOLISH HEATHENS!!!

**Zhang Bao: **Umm, brother? I'm pretty sure that Heaven would've wanted us to use PEACE to convert these people. After all, isn't our sect called the "Way of PEACE?"

**Zhang Jiao: **NONSENSE, MORON!! THEY WILL ALL DIE!! DIEEEE!! **DIIIIEEEEE!!!**

**Zhang Bao:** O…k…

**Zhang Liang: **-coming out of his tent- Hey, dudes. What's all the noise about? It sounds cool.

**Zhang Jiao:** SILENCE, FOOL!! I AM BUSY DIRECTING MY FOLLOWERS AGAINST THE HEATHENS!!!!

**Zhang Bao:** Goddammit, Jiao. This is SO not what you told us when we first formed this sect…

**Zhang Liang: **Hey, whatever, man. I'm cool with this.

**Zhang Bao:** Liang, you're cool with EVERYTHING. Don't you ever stop and think about what's going on?

**Zhang Liang:** Nah, dude. It's all cool.

**Zhang Bao:** -facepalm- Ugh… you and your overabuse of the word "cool"… do you have any idea how much you annoy me sometimes?

**Zhang Liang:** F'real? I just think it's cool.

**Zhang Bao: **Stop that!

**Zhang Jiao:** SILENCE, BOTH OF YOU MORTALS!! MY FOLLOWERS ARE HAVING TROUBLE HEARING MY ORDERS!!!

-both Bao and Liang stare at him blankly-

**Zhang Bao: **Umm.. Jiao.. You're a mortal too.

**Zhang Jiao: **NONSENSE, BLASPHEMER!! I AM THE GENERAL OF HEAVEN!!!! MAY THE HEAVENS BE PLEASED WITH OUR ACTIONS!!!!

**Zhang Liang:** Yep. Heaven is cool.

**Zhang Bao:** For the love of God, Liang, SHUT UP!

**Zhang Liang:** Why? Are you just jealous that you're not cool like me? Hmph. Disbelievers of the "cool"…

**Zhang Jiao:** GOOD!!! NOW, CONVERT THEM!!!

-out of nowhere, he gains several hundred more troops, all in the Yellow Turban outfits.-

**Zhang Bao:** Perfect! More soldiers! We'll be sure to fulfill Heaven's will now!

**Zhang Liang:** Yes! This is definitely cool!

**Zhang Jiao:** THIS IS THE BEGINNING OF A NEW WORLD! EVERYONE, LET US GO, AND OVERTHROW THE HAAAANNNN!!!!

-everyone cheers-

––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

**Narrator: **Okai, meenwhile, ther wer these 3 brothers, rite? Well… they weren't brotherz yet! XDD! But, they made dis oaf at a peech garden to be swearing brotherz! … oh.. I mean.. Sworn Brothers!! ROFL!

-Guan Yu comes to where Liu Bei lives. Liu Bei comes out of the house, wearing a Mexican sombrero, for reasons unknown…-

**Guan Yu:** -blank expression- Uh… are you Master Liu Bei??

**Liu Bei:** -in a Mexican accent- Orale, SI!! I am senor Liu Bei para ti, vato loco!!

**Guan Yu: **-to reader- Ok, I may be no history expert, but I'm pretty sure "vaqueros" didn't exist during this time period. -back to Liu Bei- Well… could you please not do that? It's kinda… weird. And you're not Mexican.

**Liu Bei:** -does a little jig- Oye, what are you talking about, ese? Que crees que yo paresco Mejicano a ti? ORALE!!

**Guan Yu:** -facepalm- For the love of god, Xuande, I can't understand a damn thing you're saying! What the hell language is that anyway?

**Liu Bei: **-takes off the ridiculous hat- Come on, dammit. Can't I be allowed to have a little fun?

**Guan Yu: **FUN?? You call strange hats, unknown cultures, crazy languages, and fake accents FUN?? If anything, it's more like RETARDATION!

**Liu Bei: **-points at him threateningly- Hey, tough guy. Don't be jealous just 'cuz you don't have a cool hat like me!

**Guan Yu:** -exasperated- DAMMIT, I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR FUCKING HAT!! I CAME TO SEE YOU BECAUSE I WAS ATTRACTED TO YOUR GREAT VIRTUE!! … Or at least that's what I was told about you!! -turns around,.sits down, and cries-

-Liu Bei freezes in place, looking at him in surprise. After a few seconds, he walks up to him.-

**Liu Bei: **-calmer- Normally I would've snapped your neck right now for insulting my hat, but hell – you sound like you really wanted more out of me. Man, I'm sorry… I guess I shouldn't ha-

-Just then, Zhang Fei shows up out of nowhere, drunk as usual.-

**Zhang Fei: **-points at Guan Yu while stumbling around- Hey, you! Sissy! I'll take you on! Put 'em up! -puts his fists up-

**Guan Yu: **-turns to him, still crying- Shut up! Can't you see I'm kinda busy right now??

**Zhang Fei:** Oh what? Are you scared? Hah! You're already crying, and I haven't even thrown one punch! This is TOO easy!!

**Guan Yu: **Go away, dammit! Leave me the hell alone!

**Zhang Fei:** Hmph, figures I can't… -falls over due to his drunken state, but gets up- …get any sort of challenge around here. Alright then, how about YOU?? -points at Liu Bei- Come on! I'm itching for a fight, and you're my opponent! Now put 'em up!!

**Liu Bei:** -puts hat back on- Hah, or else what? You'll pass out from all that Heineken you drank? HAH!! -laughs-

**Zhang Fei: **-clenches fists- Ohh… YOU!

-Fei charges Liu Bei, but he trips over a flower. A FLOWER.

**Liu Bei: **-stares blankly- …

**Zhang Fei: **-gets up- Grr… I'm not done yet. GRAA!

-He charges at Liu Bei again, but trips over the same flower-

**Zhang Fei: **-gets up again- Goddammit, I'm sick of this shit! EVERY TIME I try to have a good fight, SOME stupid obstacle SOMEHOW saves their life and blocks my way!! Hmph, it's almost as if nature is somehow planning some sort of DESTINY for you. Hah!

**Guan Yu:** -has stopped crying- Well… you know, you might be right about that. After all, this guy right here IS Master Liu Bei.

**Zhang Fei: **-stops all of a sudden- Master WHO?? Liu Bei?? As in… THE Liu Bei? Liu Xuande? THAT Liu Bei??

**Liu Bei: **That's right!

**Zhang Fei:** -gets on his knees and bows- Forgive me, Master Liu Bei! I am so sorry for speaking that way to you! Oh, how could I have been so foolish!

**Liu Bei:** -laughing, points at his head- Hah! That's right! Worship the hat, punk!

**Guan Yu: **-gets up- Xuande! Stop that! Can't you see he's paying respect to you??

**Liu Bei: **-stops and sighs, shaking his head- ALWAYS gotta ruin my fun, man... always…

-The three get together one day, in the peach garden near Liu Bei's home, and make an oath-

**Liu Bei: **Guan Yu! Zhang Fei: Although our surnames are different…

**Guan Yu: **-continues- … Although we were not born on the same day…

**Zhang Fei: **-continues- … We shall DIE on the same day, and together, restore the Han!!

**Liu Bei: **Let us swear brotherhood! From now on, we are all as one!

**Zhang Fei: **Awesome! We ar– -falls over all of a sudden, drawing blank stares from both Guan Yu and Liu Bei-

**Liu Bei: **… Yide… you didn't drink any of the Heineken bottles back at home, did you?

**Zhang Fei:** -almost unintelligibly- Maybeh… a wittle… hic.

**Liu Bei: **-angrily- DID YOU DRINK ALL 24 BOTTLES???

**Zhang Fei: **Umm… ah… I…

**Liu Bei: **-facepalm- Dammit, Yide, we were gonna celebrate right after this with some of those! Ugh…

**Guan Yu: **Oh, don't worry about it, brother! You know alcohol isn't so difficult to find around here. We'll just buy more!

**Liu Bei: **Well… alright.

––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

**Narrator: **Befoar teh Yellow Turben Reunion– woops, I mean Rebellion! There wuz this othar dood in LuoYang named Cow Cow! HAHA! Wat a funneh name!! XDD

**Cao Cao: **-to Narrator- FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, IT'S PRONOUNCED TS'AO TS'AO!!

**Narrator: **Hehe, ur name is sed twice! ROFLMAO!!!

**Cao Cao: **I wonder how the hell you still have a job…

**Narrator:** So liek, Cow Cow -**Cao Cao:** TS'AO TS'AO!!- wuz puttin up troops at LuoYang to flog n00bs who were out late during teh curfew!

-An old man is seen walking outside-

**Guard: **-snores, and then slowly opens eyes- Huh… is that – HEY! YOU!

**N00b about to get beat: **-sees the guard- AAH! -runs away-

-The guard calls for reinforcements as he chases the n00b down. They finally corner him in an alley-

**N00b about to get beat: **Please… I'm begging you! I have done nothing wrong!

-Suddenly, Cao Cao arrives-

**Cao Cao: **-sees the n00b- Ah, what is this? A late-night stroller, eh? Don't you realize we have a curfew here?

**N00b about to get beat:** Yes! I know! Please, let me go!

**Cao Cao: **-scoffs- You think I'll let you go that easily? GUARDS! Kick his ass!!

**Guards: **YEA!!

-Suddenly, a square-shaped fighting arena with three ropes surrounding it (held in place by poles at each corner) falls from the sky. Two of the guards sit at a random table while the other three throw the n00b into the ring and get in.-

**Guard #1: **-at the table- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THIS HANDICAP MATCH IS SCHEDULED FOR ONE FALL!! In the ring, from parts unknown, weighting at a measly 120 pounds, N00B!!!

-Random booing comes out of nowhere-

**N00b about to get beat:** -scared- Ahh… what's going on here??

**Guard #1: **AND, his opponents! At a combined weight of 438 pounds (rough estimate), THE THREE GUARDS!!!

-Random cheering comes out of nowhere-

**Guard #2: **-At table with Guard #1- Heh… this does NOT look good for N00b, eh, #1?

**Guard #1: **Not one bit, #2! Well… let's get this started then! -a bell rings out of nowhere-

-The three guards crack their knuckles and corner the n00b in a matter of seconds-

**N00b about to get beat: **No… please… I promise I won't be out anymore! Don't do this!!

**Guard #3: **Heheh.. GET 'IM, BOYS!!

-The three guards beat up the n00b at the same time. One of the guards then brings in a steel chair (Lord knows where THAT came from), while another one hits the n00b with it. Then, the third one does a Pedigree onto the n00b right onto the chair (which was on the floor after being used)

That guard pins the n00b to the ground

**Guard #2: **-counts- ONE! TWO! THREE!!!

**Guard #1: **Ladies and gentlemen, your winner, THE THREE GUARDS!!!

-Random cheering as the ring, chair, and table disappear and the n00b is left on the floor, badly beaten.-

**Guard #3: **-walks up to Cao Cao, laughing- Man, you are SUCH a Vince McMahon, dude.

**Cao Cao: **-also laughing- Don't mention it! HAHA!

-The next day, officials found out that the n00b was in fact the uncle of Jian Shou, a eunuch under Emperor Ling. Cao Cao was promoted to an outside position, but only to prevent this kind of thing from happening again.

**Narrator: **Howevar, after teh Yellow Turben Rebellion, he wuz sent back to Luoyang to help fite the rebelz! Hehe… Cow Cow.

**Cao Cao: **I SAID TS'AO TS'AO!! DAMMIT, YOU'RE FIRED!!!

**Narrator: **Uh… nub, I am not a WWE wrestler. And ur not Mr. McMahon.

**Cao Cao:** Crap…

––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

**Narrator: **Okai, now, onto Sun Jian's story! Hehe, SUN! THE SUN!!

**Sun Jian: **-on the battlefield, cutting down a few Yellow Turbans- Damn, dawg. These boyz call demselves the Generals of Peace, but all dey be doin is bringin' chaos! Damn demons…

-His daughter, Sun Shang Xiang, walks up to him-

**Sun Shang Xiang: **-confused look on her face- Umm… dad… what are you doing?

**Sun Jian:** -turns to her- Yo, checkit! I be cuttin' dem Yellow Turbanz!

**SSX: **Uh… yeah…

-He was INDEED cutting up Yellow Turbans… Just not the soldiers.-

**Sun Jian: **Aww, dawg, c'mon. It serves as motivation for us brothas!

**SSX: **-facepalm- I guess I can't argue with that… but your talking… why are you doing that anyway? You've been talking weird ever since you first heard about the rebellion!

**Sun Jian: **Dude, it's cuz I gotta keep up dis tough guy image, yo! To intimidate dem rebelz when we actually duke it out!

**SSX: **-sighs- Well… you have fun doing that… before THEY do. -points behind him-

**Sun Jian: **Huh? -turns around slowly, where 5 Yellow Turban troops are standing, raising their swords- AAH!! AMBUSH!! RUN LIKE HELL, DAWG!!

-Sun Jian tries to run, but gets tripped-

**Sun Jian: **Yo, dawg, don't be trippin'!

**Rebel: **Hah! Well, it's too late for that! -raises sword-

-Suddenly, all 5 of them fall down, defeated. Standing is Sun Jian's general, Huang Gai.-

**Sun Jian: **-gets up- Yo, man, thank you lots, bro. We're homies to the end! -raises fist-

**Huang Gai: **Fo' shizzle! -raises fist as well and does some sort of secret handshake-

**SSX: **-having watched the whole thing- Wow. I'm glad THAT happened! See, dad, if you can't fend off five troops on your own, how do you expect to fight off the whole rebellion? Someone's always gotta be watching your back!

**Sun Jian: **Hey! You can't win a battle by yourself, y'heard? You should know dat!

**SSX: **Well… of course. Nevermind. I'm gonna go talk to my brothers. -leaves to their camp-

––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

_Well, that's the end of Chapter One. Chapter Two: "The Yellow Turban Rebellion Battle" coming soon!_


	2. The Yellow Turban Rebellion Battle

**Chapter Two: The Yellow Turban Rebellion Battle**

––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

**Narrator: **Now, Hay Jeen -**He Jin: **HE JIN!– led an alliance agenst the hobo Zhang Jiao ROFL! Teh alliance consisted of Sun Jian, Cow Cow, and Liu Bei!!

BUT! Befoar that, there wuz a fat dood named Dong Zhuo! AND HE WUZ FAT!!! HEHE!

-Dong Zhuo was in the battlefield with a few troops, fighting off some rebels.-

**Dong Zhuo: **Grr! Die, you little rats!!

-He swings his sword once, and then becomes too tired to do anything else-

**Dong Zhuo: **-panting– Ugh… this is gonna be much more difficult than I thought…

-A rebel pokes Zhuo's stomach with a finger.-

**Dong Zhuo: **-in extreme pain– AAAHH!! OH GOD!!! THESE GUYS ARE INSANE!!! -falls to the floor in a pathetic manner– Ugh… you won't get me that easily!! -swings his sword once more, and then gets REALLY tired– Ahh… too… much…

**Soldier: **Don't worry, my lord! We'll save you!!

-The soldier and his few companions charge the rebels, which cut them down effortlessly. One of them cried for his mama just before dying, too.

The Yellow Turbans surround Dong Zhuo, and for a while, all hope seems lost. However, just then, Liu Bei (still with his hat) and his troops arrive on the scene and fend off the rebels.

Liu Bei gets off his horse and goes to Dong Zhuo's aid.-

**Liu Bei: **-Mexican accent– Oye, are you okay, amigo?

**Dong Zhuo: **-panting– Who the hell are you?

**Liu Bei: **-does a jig– ORALE, YO SOY MASTER LIU BEI, ESE!! HAHA!!

**Dong Zhuo: **-shakes head– Well, isn't THIS embarrassing…

**Liu Bei:** -puzzled– Hey, what are you talking about, senor? We just saved tu vida!

**Dong Zhuo: **That's EXACTLY what I hate to admit. -gets up-

**Liu Bei: **Well, then, you are now back con ustedes! Let us return to nuestra campo!

-However, just as Liu Bei said that, the Yellow Turbans surrounded them again. The number is far greater than that which surrounded Dong Zhuo in the first place-

**Liu Bei: **-speaks normally– Well crap. What now?

**Dong Zhuo: **Wait!! Lemme handle this!!

-He charges at a soldier and swings his sword. At the same time, he falls over, exhausted. He didn't hit the soldier either.-

**Dong Zhuo: **-gasping for breath– It's… no…. use… Too… much…

**Liu Bei: **-with a Oo look– Wow… and you call ME embarrassing!

-Liu Bei charges at the soldiers and defeats quite a few of them. His brothers also come in and defeat almost all of them. The remaining few retreat.-

**Guan Yu: **Glad that's over with! You're safe now, Dong Zhu– uh… Dong Zhuo? -sees him on the ground-

**Dong Zhuo: **-somewhat relaxed– Man… that was a tough one…

**Liu Bei: **I'll bet, man! You swing your sword just once and you get tired! No wonder they surrounded you so easily!!

**Dong Zhuo: **-gets up– Hey, shut up, ok? It's not my fault! My arms are really sore from flipping channels on the TV remote last night! Do you have any idea how boring it is when every single channel is about some no-talent celebrity assclown?

**Zhang Fei: **Hahaha! That sure is laughable! I mean, imagine what it'd be like if someone like YOU became ruler of the empire! Hell, you wouldn't even be able to overthrow the emperor without stumbling on the first step!! HAHAHA!!

-Guan Yu and Liu Bei laugh with him as well-

**Dong Zhuo: **-fuming– Why, you…!!! Just you wait and see! Once this rebellion is over, I'll take ALL the power for myself, BY myself!! Hmph! -steals Liu Bei's horse and rides away-

**Liu Bei: **-surprised and sad expression– I had all my tacos in that basket on my horse…

**Guan Yu: **What are tacos??

**Zhang Fei: **Are those like, brown baozis or something?

**Liu Bei: **Nope! They're little tortillas filled with yummy stuff!

**Zhang Fei: **… What are tortillas?

**Liu Bei: **Ahh, nevermind. Let's just return to our camp.

––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

**Narrator: **Now, in teh prezent, the Allies started to woar agenst teh Yellow Turbens!!

**He Jin: **Alright! Cao Cao, you'll attack from the east! Sun Jian, you'll go through the center! Liu Bei, you and the other volunteer forces will move from the west!

**Cao Cao: **Got it!

**Sun Jian: **Straight.

**Liu Bei: **Man… **YO **queria ataquar the middle…

**Sun Jian: **Hey, Beaner. WE be attackin' dem center boyz, y'heard?

**Liu Bei: **-snaps– Hey! You did NOT just call me Beaner!!!

**Cao Cao: **-separates the two– Whoa, whoa, hold it! We're allies, remember??

**Liu Bei: **-points at Sun Jian– Not anymore! He insulted my hat! I shall snap his neck!!

**Sun Jian: **-pulls out his sword– Oh yea?? Just try! Dis tiger here will be trippin' all over yo sorry ass!!

**Cao Cao: **Guys, guys, please!

**Liu Bei: **Pshh… tiger? Says the guy who's afraid of Mickey Mouse. -pulls out a stuffed Mickey Mouse doll from his pocket (yea, he somehow has some)-

**Sun Jian: **-sees the doll, and his eyes open wide– AAHH!! -hides behind one of his soldiers– GET IT AWAY FROM ME, DAWG!!

**He Jin: **-shouts so loud that even the Yellow Turbans hear him– **ENOUGH!!!!**

-Several straw houses, tents, and even small mountains are knocked down from the impact of the scream. Some soldiers even die from bleeding of the ears.-

**He Jin: **Listen, you two ladies. We are in this battle together, and our enemy is Zhang Jiao. You will NOT engage each other at ANY time. Sun Jian – no name-calling on the battlefield. And Liu Bei – you WILL attack the west. Do I make myself clear??

**Liu Bei: **-quietly– Yes…

**Sun Jian: **-still hiding behind his soldier, whimpering– Y-yes!

**He Jin: **-happier– Good! Now let's move out!!

––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

-Liu Bei's troops were up against Zhang Bao's army.

The troops were approaching the Yellow Turbans. The Yellow Turbans were also advancing towards the troops.

They've reached the battle site: Several rows of computers, each connected to each other through a master server under Bao's control.-

**Liu Bei's Soldier #1: **-stares at the computers– What the hell is this?

**Liu Bei's Soldier #2: **Hey, look! Unreal Tournament is playing on those!

-Indeed, each computer was set to an Unreal Tournament game. They were being directed to a specific game server called "The Yellow Turban Rebellion", a Team Deathmatch game.-

**Zhang Bao: **-calling down at the soldiers from a hill– That's right! You will face my troops in a LAN battle! And unfortunately for you, the odds are stacked against your favor! My troops have been playing all month, nonstop, no breaks or sleep!! They'll be sure to defeat you with their greater experience!!

**Soldier #1: **-WTF face– Uh…

**Soldier #2: **-scratching head– Well, then… let's start... I guess?

**Soldier #3: **Hell yea! Let's do this! I love this game!

-Liu Bei's soldiers and the Yellow Turbans took their respective seats within the rows of computers and started the game. Liu Bei was on the blue team, and the Turbans on red.

The game started. However, one soldier noticed that more than half of the red team was unresponsive.-

**Soldier #1: **-examining the enemies– Uh… what's up with this? They're not moving!

**Soldier #2: **-standing next to him– Hm… I don't know.

**Soldier #1: **Well then.. -raises gun-

**Soldier #2: **WAIT! Don't!! This might be a ploy!

**Soldier #1: **What ploy??

**Soldier #2: **Well… the enemy might be faking unresponsiveness to lead us into a false sense of security, and when we attack them, they'll lead us into some sort of trap and steal a victory!

-Soldier #1 stares at #2 with a "WTF are you smoking" face.-

**Soldier #2: **What??

**Soldier #1: **-after a few seconds– Send a scout over to where the enemies are playing. Investigate the situation!

**Soldier #2: **Alrighty.

-A soldier gets off the computer to go look over to where the Turbans are playing the game. After a few seconds, he returns laughing uncontrollably.-

**Soldier #1: **Well, what's the repo– uh… what's so funny??

**Scout: **-still laughing– The enemy!! The enemy.. Is… SLEEPING!! AT THE COMPUTER!!! HAHAHA!!!

**Soldier #1: **Sleeping?? HAHA!! I knew that their lack of sleep from all that playing would make them exhausted!! Everyone, ATTACK!! HAHAHA!!

-The rest of the team starts laughing as well as they start attacking the enemies and scoring multiple frags. Some even start typing and sending them rude and vulgar messages.

Meanwhile, Zhang Bao looks upon them with surprise and anger.-

**Zhang Bao: **WHAT?? How could that be?? Why… you… **YOU _FLAMING IDIOTS!!!_**

-Bao runs to a computer with a sleeping Turban and shoves him out. He takes his seat and starts playing.-

**Zhang Bao: **TAKE THISSS!!!!

-He inserts a hack in the game which not only makes him invincible, but enables him to shoot without missing the enemy (also known as an "aimbot"). Suddenly, Liu Bei's soldiers are experiencing large casualties.-

**Soldier #1: **Argh!! Damn him! He's cheating!!

**Soldier #2: **What should we do??

**Soldier #1: **Wait a minute… I got it! Do we have anyone familiar with programming and any of that stuff in our ranks?

**Soldier #3: **I know quite a bit about that! I make flash movies in my spare time!!

**Soldier #1: **Well… that's not exactly the kind of programming I meant… but it should still serve well! You, sneak to the master server, and change the settings so that hackers get kicked out of the game!

**Soldier #3: **Can do! I'm on my way!

-#3 makes his way to the master server. However, some of the Turbans who were awake see him and get up to stop him.-

**Soldier #3: **Out of my way, rebels! I've got a mission to accomplish!

**Turban: **Well, so do we! We won't let you foil our plans! -raises spear-

**Soldier #3: **So be it! -raises sword-

-The soldier and the Turbans start fighting, while the other soldiers are busy trying to escape from Zhang Bao's unfair gameplay. He manages to cut down one, but is badly injured.-

**Soldier #3: **-clutching his shoulder, calling to his troops– Guys.. I need help! Please!

**Soldier #4: **-sees #3– I'm on my way! Hang on!

-#4 leaves his computer to assist #3, who is barely hanging in there. #4 defeats the others, as they had their back turned.-

**Soldier #4: **Good, they're defeated! Now, program that server!

**Soldier #3: **Alright… I can still do this!

-#3 goes to the server and starts altering the settings through code. However, it was taking too long, and Zhang Bao only needed 8 more kills to win the match.-

**Soldier #4: **Hurry!! The enemy is closing in!

**Soldier #3: **Ugh! Come on!!

-Just before Bao could land his final kill, the alterations were done. The server detected Bao's hacks, and kicked him out of the game.-

**Zhang Bao: **What is this?? What just happened?? I got kicked out?? NOOO!!! I WAS SO CLOSE!!! -slams his fists on the keyboard-

**Soldier #1: **Yes!! Good job, soldier! Now, let's obliterate them!!

-The rest of the soldiers easily defeat the Yellow Turbans, and win the entire match.-

**Zhang Bao: **-getting up from the computer– This is impossible! I had that match won! How did the server kick me out for hacking? I set it so that it DOESN'T do that!

**Soldier #3: **-walking in, still clutching his shoulder– It was me… Too bad for you!

**Zhang Bao: **WHAT?? Why, you!! -raises his sword and charges at #3-

-Before Bao could reach the soldier, allied reinforcements from Cao Cao's army had arrived. Cao Cao himself came on a horse and cut Bao down.

The rest of the Turbans saw this and retreated before any more of them could share the same fate.-

**Cao Cao: **Alright! This battle's already half over! Well done, people!

**Soldier #3: **Heh, we've been waiting for you! Where have you been?

**Cao Cao: **Oh, it's a long story… it's probably best if you don't experience it firsthand, but let's just say that that doofus Zhang Man Cheng challenged me to a "duel".

**Soldier #3: **Hm? … Oh wait. You mean… that Yu–Gi-

**Cao Cao: **-shutting his ears– YES! Don't say any more! That guy was SO freakin' nerded out! It was scary!

**Soldier #3: **Ahh… ok…

**Cao Cao: **Well then… let's keep moving! Zhang Liang is our next target!

**Soldier #3: **Whoa whoa, wait just a minute. I have a question.

**Cao Cao: **Yeah?

**Soldier #3: **How did you get here so quickly? And, even if you COULD get here quickly, wouldn't you have been assisting Sun Jian first? He was closer to you after all…

**Cao Cao: **Pshh. Sun Jian sucks. Him and his stupid wigger voice. And besides, I like tacos.

**Soldier #3: **Uh… ok…

-The troops start advancing to Zhang Liang's position, where he was fighting Sun Jian-

––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

-Sun Jian's troops were facing off against Zhang Liang's troops… in a rap battle.

**Zhang Liang: **-wearing gangster clothes and holding a microphone, while a beat is playing in the background-

Yo, yo, checkit. Checkit everyone.

Dis be Zhang Liang, now everybody come!

Hear me out, cuz I don't repeat myself

Oh wait, your attention span's that of a SHELF!!

You think you can take us? You've got some guts

Quite a surprise, seeing as you like to kiss butts

You call yourself the tiger, the tiger of Jiang Dong

However, this is wrong, cuz you have no DING-DONGS!!

-Some of the Turbans start "Ooooh-ing" at Liang's rhyme. Sun Jian keeps his cool and waits for him to finish.-

**Zhang Liang:**

Sun Jian this, Sun Jian that,

Go and kill pirates, but can't afford a hat.

Overrated and cocky is all you are,

Our troops would obliterate yours by far!

The Han is over with, The Yellow Turbans rule.

Only thing you do is pretend that you're cool.

Your stupid macho man personality is fake

Cuz you can't do shit when I eat your daughter's CAKE!!

**Sun Jian: **Oh, HELL NO!! GET OVER HERE!! -tries to charge Liang, but gets stopped by his men-

**Huang Gai: **Wait, my lord! Don't!

**Sun Jian: **-struggling– LET ME AT HIM!! LET ME AT HIM!!!

**Huang Gai: **Please, be rational about this! It's your turn to come up with a rap against him. Use THAT to take your anger out on him!

**Sun Jian: **-calms down– Alright then… Zhang Liang! This tiger's rap will tear yours apart!!

-Sun Jian gets into his own gangster clothes within seconds and takes a microphone. Another beat starts playing.-

**Sun Jian:**

Yea, yea, listen to this, y'all

Sun Jian's in da house this Fall.

I'm up against a punk, who thinks he's great

Is it from the pleasure you got from your GUY MATE??

-Sun Jian's troops now start "Ooooh-ing" at this.-

**Sun Jian:**

A little bit of magic, you say you can create,

Yea, I can make wind too! Wanna smell what I ate? (he farts, much to the soldiers' disgust)

You Yellow Turban fools, you say you fight for peace.

Though I'm pretty sure you mean Zhang Jiao's PIECE!

**Huang Gai: **Whoa, whoa, hold it! -the beat stops– My lord! What's with all these homophobic remarks??

**Sun Jian: **Hey, dawg, look – I have to find SOME way to get these guys upset!

**Huang Gai: **That's low, man… But then again, so is he. Oh well. Do your worst!

**Sun Jian: **That I shall!!

-The beat continues, and so does Sun Jian.-

**Sun Jian:**

I am indeed a tiger, and you're a little bunny.

I think ripping you up and eating you would be quite funny.

A little bit of pirates are no match for me

Just like you Turbans! You're nothing but fleas!

Speaking of you guys, How'd you get them to be yellow?

Couldn't find a place for your urine to go?

I say, you look good in all those smelly suits,

The appropriate mark of a yellow-bellied FRUIT!!

**Zhang Liang**: WHAT?? Oh, YOU!!!

-Liang charges Sun Jian, as his troops fight against Sun Jian's. Despite the angry attack, Liang is losing badly. However, this may also have to do with the fact that Cao Cao's and Liu Bei's troops have just arrived.-

**Liu Bei: **ORALE, gringos!! Liu Bei esta aqui!!

**Cao Cao: **Let's run them through! -sees Zhang Liang– ZHANG LIANG! I've got you now!!

**Zhang Liang: **-sees Cao Cao rushing toward him– Aah, RUN AWAY!!

-Liang starts running in the other direction, but Cao Cao's horse easily outruns him. Cao Cao pulls out his sword and cuts Zhang Liang down.-

**Cao Cao: **-holding Liang's head– Victory is at hand!! -looks at the head in disgust-… literally…

**Liu Bei: **Si!! Ahora vamos a ganar!! We're almost done with this fiesta!

**Sun Jian: **Gee, thanks, brothas! Although I could've EASILY taken dem all out!

**Cao Cao: **Sure, sure… well then! Let's move north! Our final target is Zhang Jiao!!

––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

-A Yellow Turban scout from the battle arrives at Zhang Jiao's main camp, looking rather scared and worried-

**Scout: **Master! The Allied forces are coming this way! They have defeated Zhang Bao and Liang!

**Zhang Jiao: **WHAT??? IT CAN'T BE!!! CREATE SOME MORE MAGIC TO HOLD THEM BACK!!

**Scout: **How??? I know not about those things!

**Zhang Jiao: **HMPH. FIGURES I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING MYSELF! OUT OF THE WAY!!

-Zhang Jiao moves to the nearby altar, where he starts preparing a spell. Within a few seconds, he creates a phantom army. Invincible, but yet able to attack the soldiers directly.-

**Zhang Jiao: **NOW, SPIRITS, ATTACK THESE HEATHENS!!! GOOOOO!!!

-The phantom army advances toward the Allies, who were already almost there.-

**Guan Yu: **-seeing the phantoms– What the hell? What are these things??

-The soldiers swing their weapons at the phantoms, but nothing happens.-

**Soldier: **Wha– what is this?? We can't hurt them!

-Suddenly, one of the phantoms cuts a soldier down. And even more start going down after him.-

**Soldier: **A-a– AAAHH!!! -runs away-

-Several more soldiers start running away, frightened by the phantoms.-

**Cao Cao: **Dammit… how do we deal with these?

**He Jin: **Hey! You should know that no magic is without flaws! Look for some sort of artifact around the enemy base! There you should find the source of this madness!

-Cao Cao rides in alone to the enemy base to find the supposed artifact. Despite heavy resistance, he finds the altar, which has a large glowing pot full of a strange liquid.-

**Cao Cao: **That must be it!

-Cao Cao runs to the pot to overturn it, but is stopped by Zhang Jiao himself, as well as various Turbans.-

**Zhang Jiao: **YOU NONBELIEVERS SHALL NEVER STOP US!!

**Cao Cao: **Well I beg to differ! -raises sword-

**Zhang Jiao: **HEAVEN DOES NOT APPROVE OF YOUR ACTIONS! I SHALL SHOW YOU WHAT THEY THINK OF YOU!! MEN, DESTROY HIM!!!

**Cao Cao: **Come on!!

-Cao Cao takes the Turbans on by himself. He fells quite a few of them without taking damage, but they quickly surround him.-

**Cao Cao: **Ugh… this isn't good.

**Zhang Jiao: **YOU FOOL!!! YOU ALONE CANNOT DEFEAT US ALL WITH OUR COMBINED SKILL!! AND NOW, WE SHALL DELIVER HEAVEN'S JUDGMENT UPON YOU!!

-Before the Turbans could make their move, reinforcements from Cao Cao's army arrive and defeat them – namely Xiahou Dun and Dian Wei.-

**Dian Wei: **My lord, you must not engage in such dangerous tasks!

**Xiahou Dun: **Ah, dammit, Wei, if he's metal enough, he can do WHATEVER shit he wants!!

**Dian Wei: **Why's it all gotta be about metal with you?

**Xiahou Dun: **Because heavy metal is what we all live by! Long live the METAL WARRIORS OF STEEL!!! -cuts down several more soldiers-

**Cao Cao: **-sighs– Despite your obsession with all that viking and Nordic stuff, I can't help but love you more each time you fight for me…

**Xiahou Dun: **Don't mention it, master! I'm just punishing the unworthy!!

**Zhang Jiao: **GRR! YOU HAVEN'T DEFEATED US YET!! PHANTOMS, COME AND DESTROY THESE BLASPHEMERS!!

-Suddenly, the phantom army arrives at the scene, surrounding Cao Cao and his men.-

**Xiahou Dun: **What the hell are these things anyway? Hmph! Stupid poser-metal losers!

**Dian Wei: **Wait – the POT! Cao Cao, take it down!

**Cao Cao: **Ah, that's right!

**Zhang Jiao: **WHAT?? WAIT, DON'T-!

-Too late. Cao Cao has already overturned the pot. The magical liquid has started spilling out and disappearing upon touching the floor.-

**Zhang Jiao: **NOOOOOO!!!

-The phantom army has vanished.-

**Sun Jian: **Hey, check dis out! They be gone!!

**Liu Bei: **Yes! Perfecto!! Now let's attack su campo!!

-The rest of the Allied forces arrive at Jiao's main camp and defeat the Turban soldiers, leaving Jiao all by himself.

The Allies corner him against the walls of his base.-

**Zhang Jiao: **YOU FOOLS!! HEAVEN WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU FOR YOUR INJUSTICES!! MAY YOUR WRETCHED SOULS BURN FOREVER UNDER OUR RAGE!!!

**Cao Cao: **Hey, Jiao!

**Zhang Jiao: **…YES?

**Cao Cao: **SHUT UP! -strikes him down-

––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

**Narrator: **And, that wuz that! Teh Allies defeated teh stoopid Turbens! Hah, nubs! I'd beat joo in Unreal Tournament!! ROFLMAO PWNED!!

––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

_Chapter Three: "Dong Zhuo's Rise To Power"_ _coming next!_


	3. Dong Zhuo's Rise to Power

**Chapter Three: Dong Zhuo's Rise to Power**

––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

**Narrator: **Okai, teh Yellow Turben Reunion (REBELLION!) is now over, am I rite? So now, Emperor Ling wuz ded, LOL! But either wai, He Jin told teh fatty Dong Zhuo to go to Luoyang to kill the castrated doods! ROFL NO BALLZ!1!

**Eunuch: **It's called "eunuch", retard.

**Narrator: **LULZ NO BALLZ!!

**Eunuch: **Screw you.

**Narrator: **But! Befoar he could, teh NO BALLZ doods killed He Jin! PWNED!!

**He Jin: **-in the afterlife– Freakin' sniper rifle losers!!

**Narrator: **Then, He Miao wuz killed also! By his own doods!! LMAO! So now, the capital was in chaos! HEHE! Howevar, Dong Zhuo returned teh kidnapped Emperar Shao and then got He Jin's and He Miao's troopz!

-Dong Zhuo and his advisor, Li Ru, entered Emperor Shao's throne room, which had a set of stairs leading to the throne on top.-

**Dong Zhuo: **Well, you're safe now, Emperor!

**Emperor Shao: **Yes! Thank you very much!

**Dong Zhuo: **Alright, I-

-Just then, Dong Zhuo had a flashback, of the event when Liu Bei and his brothers rescued him from the Yellow Turbans-

**Zhang Fei's voice: **Imagine what it'd be like if someone like YOU became ruler of the empire! Hell, you wouldn't even be able to overthrow the emperor without stumbling on the first step!! HAHAHA!!

-After remembering Fei's words, he had a new idea. An evil grin appeared on his face.-

**Dong Zhuo: **Hey… Emperor?

**Emperor Shao: **Yes?

**Dong Zhuo: **SAY GOODBYE!!

**Emperor Shao: **Huh, what??

-Dong Zhuo started running toward the emperor, but exactly as Zhang Fei had predicted, he tripped over the first step.

Dong Zhuo groaned in pain as Li Ru watched in embarrassment.-

**Emperor Shao: **– a "WTF" expression– Uh… Dong Zhuo… is everything ok?

**Dong Zhuo: **-getting up slowly– Ugh... Yea… Sure… You didn't see that, ok?

**Emperor Shao: **Um… ok…?

**Dong Zhuo: **Well then… SAY GOODBYE!!

-This time, Dong Zhuo runs up the steps perfectly, and throws the Emperor off the throne and down the stairs, rendering him unconscious. Li Ru follows him up and then laughs at the fallen Emperor-

**Dong Zhuo: **HAHAHA!!! You're the Emperor, right? WRONG! NOT ANYMORE!!

-However, Emperor Shao suddenly regains consciousness and gets up, a gold glow emanating from his body. He then starts floating in midair, his hands in fists. For some unknown reason, his hair is gold and spiked as well.-

**Dong Zhuo: **-shocked– Huh, what the hell???

**Emperor Shao: **YOU WON'T TAKE ME OUT THAT EASILY!!!

**Dong Zhuo: **Hmm… Li Ru! -points at him– What does the Scouter say about his power level??

-Li Ru was wearing some sort of strange eye device with a computer implanted within. He scans the Emperor as Dong Zhuo had asked.-

**Li Ru: **-taking off the Scouter and smashing it in his hand– It's over NINE-**THOUSAAANNNDDDD!!!**

**Dong Zhuo: **WHAT?? NINE THOUSAND??? THERE IS NO WAY THAT CAN BE RIGHT!!!

-The Emperor flies up and takes out Li Ru with a single punch. Dong Zhuo tries to run away, but the Emperor grabs him and throws him right through the palace walls.

He ends up knocked out against a large tree.-

**Dong Zhuo: **-half-conscious– Ugh… grr… I guess… I'll just … have to use… Plan B…

––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

-Dong Zhuo, having heard of the powerful warrior named Lu Bu, goes to see him.

He is with Li Ru, hiding behind some bushes near Lu Bu's home, where he lives with his adoptive father, Ding Yuan.-

**Dong Zhuo: **Hmm… Li Ru, how can I get Lu Bu to join us?

**Li Ru: **-thinks– Ah, I got it! Lu Bu has always been drawn to power. If you tell him that you're the toughest guy to ever have existed on the face of the universe, he'll surely respect you!

**Dong Zhuo: **What?? I can't do that! I can't even swing my sword without toppling over!

**Li Ru: **Oh, don't worry about it! I'm sure he won't challenge you or anything. He just wants to be part of an even stronger leader!

**Dong Zhuo: **Hmm… that's not such a bad idea. Alright, I'll try it!

-Dong Zhuo gets out of the bushes and knocks on the door of the home.

He hears voices inside.-

**Lu Bu: **I'll get it, father!

**Ding Yuan: **Lu Bu, I swear, this better not be another Porn Magazine seller!

**Lu Bu: **Dad, for the love of God, must you mention that every single day??

**Ding Yuan: **Well, I'm sick of you wetting the bed sheets "every single day" as well! You know I can't afford for you to keep getting shit like that delivered to OUR door all the time! Not to mention that it's costing us a lot of money to pay for all that!

**Lu Bu: **Father, I only buy those things like once a month!

**Ding Yuan: **No, "once a month" is when I get my BILLS full of all these "Playboy Magazine" charges!

**Lu Bu: **Dad, dad, calm down! Sheesh!

-Lu Bu opens the door to meet a very grossed-out Dong Zhuo.-

**Lu Bu: **Uh… hi.

**Dong Zhuo: **Hi… pervert.

**Lu Bu: **-blank stare– You overheard my father and I, didn't you?

**Dong Zhuo: **Yep.

**Lu Bu: **-calling back to his father– DAMMIT, FATHER!! YOU SEE WHAT HAPPENS?? I MIGHT AS WELL JUST DECAPITATE YOU SO THAT YOU NEVER SPEAK AGAIN!!

**Ding Yuan: **Hey, watch it, kid! I'm the governor of Bingzhou! I'm IMPORTANT!

**Lu Bu: **Hmph, yea, right. Ever since He Jin got killed, you've been nothing but another figurehead.

**Dong Zhuo: **Uh… so… may I-

**Lu Bu: **-turns back to Zhuo happily– Oh, yea! Please, come on in! Sorry about that!

-Dong Zhuo enters the house and takes a seat on one of the two couches.-

**Dong Zhuo: **Hm, this is pretty comfy! I could sure use one of these in the palace!

**Lu Bu: **Huh?

**Dong Zhuo: **-quickly and nervously– Oh, nothing.

-Ding Yuan enters the room.-

**Ding Yuan: **What the hell is this, now? Did you turn gay all of a sudden, Lu Bu??

**Lu Bu: **-enraged by his remark, gets up– HEY!! WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY??

**Dong Zhuo: **-very confused and nervous– I am… uh… I am a visitor?

**Ding Yuan: **-happier– Oh. Oh, ok!

**Lu Bu: **Dammit, dad. You've embarrassed me for the last time!

-Lu Bu picks up his halberd, which was sitting nearby, and cuts down Ding Yuan.-

**Dong Zhuo: **-stares wide-eyed at the scene-

**Lu Bu: **Ugh… son of a bitch…

-He turns suddenly to Dong Zhuo, who leans back against his chair scared.-

**Lu Bu: **What did you come for?

**Dong Zhuo: **Uh… I… I just…

**Lu Bu: **Hurry up! Or I just might cut you down too!

**Dong Zhuo: **I just wanted to present you with an imperial position!

**Lu Bu: **Hmph! I have no interest in royalty! TRY AGAIN! -points his weapon at Dong Zhuo's neck-

**Dong Zhuo: **AAH!! I meant… I wanted to show you a… uh… LOOK! A RED HORSE!! -points behind Lu Bu-

**Lu Bu: **Huh?? -turns around-

-Dong Zhuo hurries out of the house. However, he DID find a red horse. It did not seem to have an owner, and just randomly appeared at Lu Bu's house.-

**Lu Bu: **Dammit! I gotta stop doing that!

-Lu Bu runs out of the house, but stops when he sees the red horse.-

**Lu Bu: **-shocked expression– Whoa, you were right!

**Dong Zhuo: **I was?

**Lu Bu: **Well, no shit, fatass! Don't you see that red horse right in front of you??

**Dong Zhuo: **-clearing throat– Oh, I mean, yea! I was! -calling out– Hey, Li Ru! Come out!

-Li Ru comes out of the bushes and sees the two people and the horse-

**Li Ru: **-stares wide-eyed at the horse– Uh, Master, what the hell is this??

**Dong Zhuo: **I don't know! It just appeared out of nowhere!

**Li Ru: **… Hey, I wanna ride it!

**Dong Zhuo: **Uh, what?

**Li Ru: **It's been my lifelong DREAM to ride a red horse!!

-Both Dong Zhuo and Lu Bu look at Li Ru in disbelief as he gets on the horse.

The horse starts running. EXTREMELY fast. Li Ru loses his balance and is stuck on one of the horse's decorations-

**Li Ru: **-being dragged along with the out-of-control horse– AAHH!! MAKE IT STOP!! OW! OW!

**Lu Bu: **Uhh… STOP!!

-The horse obediently stops running. Li Ru, with many cuts and bruises, frees himself from the horse before collapsing on the floor.-

**Lu Bu: **Wow… this horse is awesome! Do you guys own it?

**Dong Zhuo: **Well, no, I-

**Li Ru: **-interrupting him while getting up– YES! As a matter of fact, we do! We call it "Red Hare"! And you know what? We'll gladly give it to you, if you but join us!

**Lu Bu: **Huh?

**Dong Zhuo: **-whispers "hey, nice one!" to Li Ru, then turns back to Lu Bu– You don't have a father anymore, don't you? You killed Ding Yuan. How about I raise you instead? You don't need that little bitch after all, don't you? We're much cooler than him! And, as Li Ru said, you even get this cool horse!

**Lu Bu: **Oh man, awesome! Yea, I'll do it!

**Dong Zhuo: **Alright, thanks!

**Lu Bu: **Oh, wait wait. Lemme get something… -returns to his house-

-He comes back with Ding Yuan's head, and a bunch of his Playboy magazines.-

**Li Ru: **Uh… you actually read those?

**Lu Bu: **-snaps– Yea, do you have a problem with that??

**Li Ru: **-nervously– Nope, nope! Not at all!

**Lu Bu: **Good! Now… -presents Dong Zhuo the head– I offer this to you, as a token of my appreciation. I want to be your adoptive son!

**Dong Zhuo: **Haha! Sure, why not!

––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

**Narrator: **So, now dat teh fatty got Loo Boo on ther side, he returz to teh palace to try to overthrow the Emperar once again!

-Dong Zhuo enters the throne room all by himself.-

**Emperor Shao: **You again?? Haven't you learned your lesson, Dong Zhuo?

**Dong Zhuo: **-grins– Oh, why yes I have! And now, I'm about to teach YOU a lesson!!

-As he says this, Lu Bu enters the palace and stares right at the Emperor-

**Emperor Shao: **Huh, who's that??

**Dong Zhuo: **This is Lu Bu! And he's gonna get you out of that throne!

**Emperor Shao: **-turns into a "Supersaiyan" again– Hah! Just try!!

**Dong Zhuo: **Lu Bu, get him!!

-Lu Bu himself turns into a Supersaiyan. He fights the Emperor. For a while, it seems to be an even match, but Lu Bu pulls out his large halberd and strikes the Emperor several times, shifting the battle to Lu Bu's favor. After a few seconds, the Emperor has lost all his power, and returns to his normal state, on the floor and defeated.-

**Emperor Shao: **-panting– Ugh… Fine! I give up! Do as you wish, wretched fools!

**Dong Zhuo: **Hahaha! You think I'll just leave you there?? -calling out– Li Ru!

-Several angry voices are heard from the other room. Also, there seems to be some banging on the door before it opens. Li Ru then enters, on top of Red Hare, which undoubtedly caused a lot of trouble within the palace.-

**Lu Bu: **-seeing Li Ru on his horse– Hey! That's MY horse! Get off!

**Li Ru: **Gah! Sorry! -gets off-

**Dong Zhuo: **-annoyed expression– Hurry up, dammit!

**Li Ru: **Ah, right! -goes up the stairs to where Zhuo and the Emperor are-

**Dong Zhuo: **Li Ru, take this loser to the dining room and make him drink that poison I told you about!

**Li Ru: **Will do! -to the Emperor– Get up! You're coming with me!

-Emperor Shao gets up, whimpering, and follows Li Ru out.-

**Dong Zhuo: **Haha!! Now, Lu Bu, get the puppet emperor in here!

-Lu Bu goes back outside, where he DOES indeed bring in a puppet, shaped like a Chinese emperor. Several people follow them as well.

Lu Bu gives the puppet to Dong Zhuo, who puts it on and sits down on the throne.-

**Dong Zhuo: **Ladies and gentlemen, all hail your new emperor, EMPEROR XIAN!!

-Unenthusiastic cheering from the crowd.-

**Dong Zhuo: **-using ventriloquism to make the puppet talk– Yea, that's right, losers! I am your new emperor! Bow before me and stuff!! Hahaha! -now talking for himself– AND, your new Prime Minister… ME! DONG ZHUO!

-More unenthusiastic cheering.-

––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

**Narrator:** So, teh fatty wuz now the most powerful person in the imperial court! He killed many doods, stole some hoes, and abused all teh other doods in the court!! Hehe… hoes… he be PIMPIN'! XD!!

––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

_Chapter Four: "Campaign Against Dong Zhuo" coming next!_


	4. Campaign Against Dong Zhuo

**Chapter Four: Campaign Against Dong Zhuo**

––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

**Narrator: **Befoar teh Allies under Yuan Shao initiated teh attak agenst Dong Zhuo, he and Lu Bu wer introduced wit dis hawt gurl called Diao Chan! Hehe… boobies.

Wang Yun introduced her to both teh fatty AND Lu Bu! She became a hoe just like teh others! XDD

––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

**Wang Yun: **-to Dong Zhuo– Allow me to introduce to you the beautiful songstress, Diao Chan!!

-A beautiful girl in a flower dress appears before them. Dong Zhuo starts drooling from both sides of his mouth-

**Dong Zhuo: **Ahhh… she's lovely…

**Wang Yun: **-whispering to Diao Chan– Don't worry. Lu Bu shall be your husband, not him.

-later, Wang Yun also introduces her to Lu Bu.-

**Wang Yun: **-to Lu Bu– Allow me to introduce to you the beautiful songstress, Diao Chan!!

-Diao Chan appears before them, wearing a Gothic Lolita outfit with curled pigtails and black leather knee-length boots-

**Lu Bu: **-eyes wide open– HOLY HOTNESS!!!

**Wang Yun: **That's right! And she shall be your wife!

**Diao Chan: **-blushing upon sight of the handsome Lu Bu– Hehe… that's right!

-Lu Bu faints with a nosebleed. Perhaps his greatest dream has come true. Who knows?-

**Narrator: **Soo, dis hoe wuz gonna be used to make Lu Bu and Dong Zhuo hate each other! She wuz Dong Zhuo's sex slave, but at teh same time, Lu Bu's wifey! ROFL there's guna be sum BIG fights!!

––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

**Narrator: **HOWEVER! Meanwhile, the Alliez wer preparing to fite teh fatty! They hated his policies in teh court!

**Cao Cao: **-speaking to the Allies– Well, guys, as we all know, this tyrant Dong Zhuo must be stopped! I know many of you do not approve of this, BUT, I truly believe Master Yuan Shao can lead us well in this campaign!

-several soldiers scoff while Cao Cao calls to Yuan Shao to deliver his speech. Yuan Shao quickly puts away his Pokemon Diamond game on the Nintendo DS and steps up.

Besides this game, Yuan Shao also shows his fandom of the series with a helmet having a pokeball right at the top. His armor plate also has a picture of Pikachu at the front.-

**Yuan Shao: **-speaking to the Allies– Alright… As your commander, I promise to lead us all to success, and put down this villain known as Dong Zhuo! His crimes cannot go without punishment! We will make him pay for bringing us down even further than the Yellow Turbans ever have!! Let us make like Ash Ketchum at the Pokemon Gyms and defeat the Leader!

-The Allies raise their fists as a sign of approval.-

––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

**Narrator: **Now, teh Alliez started their fite at Si Shui Gate, against Hua Xiong's army!

**Yuan Shao: **-discussing the battle plan with his allies– Sun Jian, you'll lead the attack for this one! Unleash your inner Growlithe and take them all out!

**Sun Jian: **Got it, dawg!

**Yuan Shao: **However, Yuan Shu, you'll have to make sure to deliver the supplies to them when they're needed! Be a Chansey for this one!

-Yuan Shu had his arms crossed, looking to the side throughout the whole speech. In fact, he'd look anywhere but in Sun Jian's direction. There seemed to be something about him he just didn't like. His outfit looked much like Shao's, but instead of a Pikachu on his armor plate, he had a Meowth.-

**Yuan Shu: **Yea, sure.

**Yuan Shao: **Liu Bei, your army will attack from the other side. Be as swift as a Sneasel! Got it?

**Liu Bei: **Orale, si! Vamos a destruir those traitors!!

**Yuan Shao: **… Ok… whatever that means… WELL THEN! LET'S GO!!!

-The battle has started. Sun Jian led his army against Hu Zhen.-

**Hu Zhen: **Hah!! Take them all out!!

**Sun Jian: **Wow, these guys are tough! Don't let in!

-An officer under Sun Jian, Cheng Pu, charged straight ahead towards Hu Zhen.-

**Sun Jian: **Huh – Cheng Pu?

**Cheng Pu: **-facing off against Hu Zhen– Hey, coward! How about you pick on someone your own size?

**Hu Zhen: **What was that? Oh, you'll pay! –raises sword-

**Cheng Pu: **-raises Serpent Spear– You're no match for me!

-The two duel, but Hu Zhen gets defeated rather quickly. Cheng Pu then thrusts the spear right into Hu Zhen's neck, killing him.-

**Cheng Pu: **I have defeated the general Hu Zhen!!

**Sun Jian: **-witnessing the event– Wow! Dat was some tight shit, yo!

-Sun Jian's soldiers continue to fight off Hua Xiong's, but get exhausted after some time.-

**Soldier: **-running up to Sun Jian, looking rather worn out– My… Lord… we can't keep fighting them like this! We need food!

**Sun Jian: **Damn… well then! Send a message to Yuan Shu! Request provisions!

**Soldier: **Yes!

-A messenger from Sun Jian's army arrives to Yuan Shu's location, which for some reason, was far removed from the rest of the Allied forces. He tells Shu about Sun Jian's army's condition, and requests the supplies.-

**Yuan Shu: **Oh, is he already worn out? Very well, then.

**Messenger: **Thank you, sir. -turns around to leave-

**Yuan Shu: **Hey, wait.

-The messenger stops-

**Messenger: **Yes?

**Yuan Shu: **Who said I was going to send them?

**Messenger: **Huh?

**Yuan Shu: **Sun Jian… that little wigger punk can kiss my Snorlax's ass! Get over here!

**Messenger: **Wha– AHH!!

-Yuan Shu grabs the messenger and takes him to his supply base, where he got terribly punished.-

**Yuan Shu: **-coming out of the base, his fists full of blood– Too bad, Sun Jian! Maybe you should learn to train your troops better! Hmph! Like HELL that his Venusaur could take out my Scyther… I'll teach him a lesson!

-Many hours have passed, and Sun Jian had not received his supplies-

**Sun Jian: **Yo, wut the hell is goin' on?? Where be our foods?!?

-A scout arrives from observing Yuan Shu and returns with bad news.-

**Scout: **My lord! The supplies could not be delivered! It appears the enemy has sealed them off!

**Sun Jian: **WHAT??? How could dat be? Why, if that little bitch only moved JUST ONCE, we may have been saved! But NOOO!

**Scout: **I'm sorry, sir! This is what he told me!

**Sun Jian: **Well crap! Us dawgs gotta retreat now! Pull back!

-However, the enemy forces had already known about his situation, and had surrounded his army.

Hua Xiong arrived and faced Sun Jian.-

**Hua Xiong: **-mockingly– Ooh, what's the matter, Sun Jian? Is the tiger starvin' already?

**Sun Jian: **How dare you! If we were all doin' good, I'd kick yo ass right now!

**Hua Xiong: **Oh, really? Well, guess what? You're NOT! Prepare to die! -charges Sun Jian-

-The two fought for a short while before the enemy set Sun Jian's camp on fire.-

**Sun Jian: **Shit! This isn't good! RUN AWAY!!

-Sun Jian and his army started running away, with Hua Xiong in close pursuit. However, he remembered that he had a spare banana peel in his armor. Yuan Shu threw it at him as a prank before the battle when he ran toward his horse. He promised Shu that he'd do the same to him, but instead, decided to use it for this very situation.-

**Sun Jian: **Ah, wat the hell! If it works in those phat cartoons, it'll work now!

-Sun Jian threw the banana peel at Hua Xiong's horse's feet. The horse tripped, sending Hua Xiong down to the ground as well as the charging army behind him. By the time Xiong looked back up, Sun Jian and his army were gone.-

**Hua Xiong: **Dammit! We lost him! Oh well! The Allies will surely be weakened by his loss! Let's return to Si Shui gate!

––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

-Yuan Shu had sent one of his generals, Yu She, to try to defeat Hua Xiong before he could make it back to the gate. However, he was easily defeated. Another general, Pan Feng, tried as well, but also got killed.

This was Xiong's fourth kill, and the Allies were losing morale.-

**Yuan Shao: **Ugh! This is one tough beast! No matter who I send, he just doesn't seem to show a weakness! What the hell is his type anyway? Psychic? Fighting? Ground??

-Guan Yu then appeared before him, suggesting that he go and try to kill Xiong.-

**Guan Yu: **Well, whatever "type" he may be, I'm sure that **I **can go kill him!

**Yuan Shao: **-shocked– What? Are you crazy? How could one such as you possibly do such a thing? Do you have any idea how many people he's killed already? He must be at Level 143 or something!

**Guan Yu: **I know, but hear me out – I promise that, if I can't kill him, you may have my head!

-Just then, Cao Cao came in, overhearing the talk.-

**Cao Cao: **Hah! It sounds good enough! This guy's pretty confident, so who knows? Maybe he IS a match for Hua Xiong after all!

**Guan Yu: **That's right! Let me do this, my lord!

**Cao Cao: **Hmm… wait.

**Guan Yu: **What?

**Cao Cao: **Then again… I'm not so sure about this. Are you SURE you won't die?

**Guan Yu: **Yep.

**Cao Cao: **You don't wanna have some wine or anything just in case?

**Guan Yu: **Nah.

**Cao Cao: **Maybe some Heineken?

**Guan Yu: **Nope.

**Cao Cao: **Or maybe some Gatorade??

**Guan Yu: **-groans– No, Cao Cao. I can do this, trust me.

**Cao Cao: **Ehh… alright.

**Guan Yu: **I WILL have Hua Xiong's head! You can count on that! -rides off into the battle-

-Guan Yu arrives at Hua Xiong's main camp, where several soldiers were fighting in the background.

He comes face-to-face with Hua Xiong.-

**Hua Xiong: **What the hell is this? Who are you?

**Guan Yu: **I'm Guan Yu, and I'm here for your head!

**Hua Xiong: **-laughs– Are you kidding me? Do you have any idea how many people I've killed? I've defeated four generals already, and unless you turn around right now, I might just make that five, thus making it a "Killing Spree!"

**Guan Yu: **Huh, have you been playing Unreal Tournament too?

**Hua Xiong: **Oh yea. That little game by Zhang Bao about 6 years ago? Quite inspiring, to be honest.

**Guan Yu: **Yep. Oh, the memories…

**Hua Xiong: **Yep… oh well, PREPARE YOURSELF!! -charges-

**Guan Yu: **HAAA!! -charges-

-The two duel. However, Guan Yu soon gains an advantage, and within seconds, cuts down Hua Xiong. He takes his head back to the Allies' main camp, presenting Xiong's head to Yuan Shao.-

**Yuan Shao: **Hey, look, it's Guan Y– Gah! What is that? -points to the head-

**Guan Yu: **My lord! I have returned with Hua Xiong's head! Victory is ours!!

**Yuan Shao: **Wow, could it be? -examines the head closer– Yes, it is!!! Men! We have won!!!

-The Allies cheer for their victory.-

––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

**Narrator: **Now, teh Alliez have come to Hu Lao gate to fite Dong Zhuo himself! THE FATTY!!!

**Yuan Shao: **-speaking to the Allies– This is it, men! Today we put Dong Zhuo in his place! Let us show them what a REAL Pokemon master is all about!

-Cheering ensues for a few moments, until they realize what Yuan Shao had just said.-

**Yuan Shao: **…What? … Aren't we all fanboys in one way or another?… Oh, alright, alright… "Let us show them what a REAL warrior is all about!"

-The cheering resumes.

Now Liu Bei, Gongsun Zan, Sun Jian, and Cao Cao were in this fight as well. Dong Zhuo was their target. However, he was holed up behind Hu Lao Gate, where he had sent Lu Bu to protect the gate's entrance. Also, Diao Chan was there with Lu Bu, probably because of that deep attraction. Who knows?

The battle continued. The day quickly turned dark and the weather harsh. Neither the Allies or Dong Zhuo's forces seemed to be getting the upper hand. However, Lu Bu waited patiently along with Diao Chan.-

**Diao Chan: **-standing next to Lu Bu, shivering– H-Hey, L-Lu Bu… d-do you th-think… that this-s… is… too little c-clothing to b-be… wearing in the sn-snow?

**Lu Bu: **-turns around to look at Diao Chan, who was still in her Lolita dress, which, one might add, was sleeveless– Nah. It's JUUUUST fine. -turns back to the front-

**Diao Chan: **Oh-h… Ok… Even though my teeth are chattering?

**Lu Bu: **Yep.

**Diao Chan: **And even though I-

**Lu Bu: **YEP.

**Diao Chan: **… Ok…

––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

-After several days of absolutely nothing happening, the Allies have finally arrived at Hu Lao Gate, just as the weather was calming down. However, the first thing they saw once there was the mighty Lu Bu, on top of Red Hare. Diao Chan was somewhere else. Probably inside the base.

**Soldier #1: **Whoa… is that… who I think it is?

**Soldier #2: **That's... LU BU!! RUN!!!

-The soldiers started to run away. However, Red Hare caught up with them in less than a second. He cut them all down with one swipe of his halberd.

**Lu Bu: **Well then! Does anyone else wanna try and take me down??

-Dian Wei and another officer of Cao Cao's, Xu Zhu, arrive and walk up to Lu Bu.-

**Dian Wei: **Hey you! How about you pick on someone your OWN size?

**Lu Bu: **-scoffs– Come on!

**Xu Zhu: **Dian Wei told me that if I beat you, I get 10 free cheeseburgers!

-Dian Wei and Xu Zhu start fighting against Lu Bu. However, Xu Zhu gets knocked down quite soon, and he runs away because he saw a meatbun somewhere in the battlefield. Dian Wei is now holding his own against Lu Bu, but Lu Bu quickly gains the upper hand, and knocks Dian Wei far back.-

**Lu Bu: **-yawns– Is that all you got? Who's next???

-Super Mario and Luigi appear before him-

**Mario: **I will a-defeat you, a-Lu Bu!

**Luigi:** That's a-right, Lu Bu! We will a-DESTROY you!!

**Lu Bu: **-sighs– Why am I doing this??

-Lu Bu fights both Mario and Luigi. Mario then eats a random flower from the ground.-

**Lu Bu: **-seeing this– Eww…

-Mario's clothes turn white and red, and he gains the ability to shoot fireballs from his fists. However, even so, he manages to drive him away with one strike of his halberd. Mario loses his power and appears as his normal self. Luigi was still giving Lu Bu a hard time, though, but is soon dispatched by his halberd as well.-

**Lu Bu: **-to Mario– You still wanna try, pipsqueak??

**Mario: **I will a-never a-give up!!

-Lu Bu strikes him once more with his halberd. This time, Mario is now even smaller (just like in the Super Mario games). Before he could get punished any further, he jumps on Yoshi and retreats.)

**Lu Bu: **Ugh… well then… ANYONE ELSE???

-Zhang Fei, on horseback, steps up to Lu Bu.-

**Zhang Fei: **That was pretty nice right there! But how about you try ME!

**Lu Bu: **BRING IT, PUSSY!

-The two duel. This time, it seems to be an even match. Soon, Guan Yu joins the battle.-

**Guan Yu: **Hold on, Zhang Fei! I'm coming!

-Now Lu Bu was dealing with both Zhang Fei and Guan Yu. He still did not seem to falter. However, finally, Liu Bei had arrived.-

**Liu Bei: **Oye, tu! Que crees que estas haciendo?? I will be the one to get you fuera de aqui!!

**Lu Bu: **-sees Liu Bei– Who the hell are you???

**Liu Bei: **Yo soy un taco seller!! EAT THIS!! -throws some piping hot tacos at Lu Bu's face-

**Lu Bu: **AARRGH!! That burns!! …Mmm, delicious!

-So now, all three sworn brothers were fighting Lu Bu at the same time. Now, Lu Bu was definitely showing signs of fatigue. The three brothers quickly surrounded him.

**Lu Bu: **Shit… what now?…

**Guan Yu: **You might as well give up! You're no match for OUR combined strength!

**Lu Bu: **-evil grin– Oh, really??

-Lu Bu jumps up off his horse, and turns Supersaiyan, much to the amazement of the three brothers. He slams the ground with his fist, creating a shockwave that knocks all three brothers off their horses.-

**Lu Bu: **How do ya like me now?? With power level OVER NINE-**THOUSAAAANNNDDDD!!**

**Zhang Fei: **What the hell is that???

**Guan Yu: **Shit, run away!!!

-Now, this time, it was the brothers who were retreating, with Liu Bei saying "Esto nunca pasa en Mejico!!" while doing so.-

**Lu Bu: **Hahaha!! Who dares challenge me NOW??

-However, just then, he sees his horse, knocked down from the effects of his shockwave.-

**Lu Bu: **Ahh, Red Hare! -eyes turn tearful– Hold on, baby! I'll get you somewhere safe!

-He drags Red Hare out of the battlefield to take him to another place, thus leaving the Hu Lao Gate undefended.-

**Soldier #1: **Hey, look! Lu Bu is gone!

**Soldier #2: **Yea! …But… the gate is not opening…

**Soldier #1: **Dammit! How are we supposed to get Dong Zhuo now??

**Yuan Shao: **-arrives at the scene– Hmm… this has never happened before… -looks to his right, where he sees a shortcut– Ah! Look! -points to it– We can use that shortcut right there! It'll lead right to the enemy camp!

**Soldier #1: **Alright, got it!

-The Allies make their way through the shortcut, but stop when they come upon Zhang Liao's forces.-

**Zhang Liao: **I, Zhang Liao, shall prevent you from going any further!!

**Cao Cao: **-looks at Zhang Liao and laughs– HAHAHA!!! What the hell??

-Zhang Liao was wearing a pink princess dress. Everybody looked at him with a "WTF" expression before collapsing on the floor with laughter.-

**Zhang Liao: **-watches the laughing soldiers angrily– Hmph! Quite some judgmental loons, huh?? Well then! I, Zhang Liao, will make you all REGRET your laughter!!

-Zhang Liao charges at the Allies, but is stopped by Xiahou Dun.-

**Xiahou Dun: **Hold it! I shall not let you go any further!

**Zhang Liao: **Oh really? Says you and what army?? -points out the Allied forces, which are unable to fight due to their laughter-

**Xiahou Dun: **I don't need an army!! Mighty Odin is on my side! We will strike you heathens down! DEATH TO THE FALSE ONES!!!

**Zhang Liao: **BRING IT ON!! I, Zhang Liao, will teach you a LESSON!!

-The two duel. Despite Zhang Liao's ridiculous appearance, he was not without skill. Cao Cao stopped laughing for a while to notice Liao's fighting prowess.-

**Cao Cao: **Wow… despite his horrendous dress, he can sure pull out some nice moves! Man… I could sure use someone like him on my side! I'd be unstoppable! -but then, thinks about the embarrassment from having someone in a dress in his army– But then again… I guess not…

-The duel continues for several more minutes.-

**Xiahou Dun: **You're tough! But clearly not "manly" enough to stand up to us metal warriors!

**Zhang Liao: **-annoyed– For the last time, I don't care about metal, steel, Odin, or that band Slayer!! I only listen to Britney Spears, Ne-Yo, and Justin Timberlake!

**Xiahou Dun: **-laughs– And THAT is why you fail!!

-Sun Jian has defeated all soldiers who tried to take him down, and was getting bored of watching the duel.-

**Sun Jian: **Yo, dis be boring. I guess I'll jus' turn something on… -pulls out a boombox-

-All of a sudden, the enemies hear a horrendous song and stop fighting.-

**Zhang Liao: **-covering his ears– Agh!!! What IS that?? Where is it coming from??

**Enemy soldier: **-also covering his ears– OVER THERE!! -points at Sun Jian-

**Boombox: **"Crank dat, Soulja Boy! YUUUUUUU!! Crank dat, Soulja Boy! YUUUUUU!!"

-Sun Jian and his soldiers were even doing the ridiculous dance from the music video, much to the disgust of Zhang Liao and his men.-

**Zhang Liao: **AAAH GOD!! That's unbearable! RETREAT!!! RETREAT!!! I can't stand that!!

-Zhang Liao and his troops retreat from the battlefield to get away from the horrible song playing on the radio.

Sun Jian looks up and sees that the enemies are gone, not having realized that it was all thanks to him.-

**Sun Jian: **Alright! Well done, guys! -looks around– Uh… guys??

-The rest of the Allies have fainted from hearing the song.-

**Sun Jian: **Shit! …Oh well, I guess it's up to us then, eh?

**Soldier: **I guess so!

-Sun Jian and his men enter the enemy's main camp. There, they met Diao Chan, all by herself, once again in her Lolita dress.-

**Sun Jian: **-smiling, to his officers– Yo, checkit! We gots us a hottie!

-His men start smiling and laughing.-

**Diao Chan: **-fiercely– YOU SHALL NOT PASS!!!

**Sun Jian: **What?? -laughs– You want to STOP us? Girl, please!

**Diao Chan: **DON'T MAKE ME BLOW YOU ALL UP!!

**Sun Jian: **Heheh.. Oh, why yes, you may BLOW US all you want, baby!

**Diao Chan: **-frowns– YOU ASKED FOR IT!!

-Diao Chan generates some Ki energy in her hands, and then pounds the ground, creating a huge fiery explosion, knocking Sun Jian and his army out.

By the time the explosion cleared up, the entire camp was on fire, and Diao Chan was gone.-

**Sun Jian: **-getting up painfully– Yo… dawg… that was some big shit!

-Meanwhile, Diao Chan went back to Dong Zhuo, to whom Li Ru suggested they leave this place immediately and escape to the capital city of Chang'an. Dong Zhuo agreed and, taking his men with him, started escaping the battle.-

––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

**Narrator: **Soo then, Dong Zhuo left teh Hu Lao Gate, and Sun Jian put out the firez while Cao Cao sed that they should chase down Dong Zhuo!

**Cao Cao: **Come on! This is our biggest opportunity yet! Let's go and get Dong Zhuo!

**Yuan Shao: **No! We're all tired! We need to find a Pokemon Center and get healed!

**Cao Cao: **Hah! You guys suck! I'll go and find him myself then!

**Yuan Shao:** -as Cao Cao leaves– Idiot…

––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

_Chapter Five: "Breakup of the Alliance / Liu Biao's Fight" coming next!_


	5. Alliance Breakup : Liu Biao's Fight

**Chapter Five: Breakup of the Alliance / Liu Biao's Fight**

––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

**Narrator: **Cow Cow had gone on hiz own to take out the FATTY!! Howevar, Li Ru had foreseen his planz and set up an ambush with Lu Bu!!

-Cao Cao is seen sneaking up to Dong Zhuo's palace.-

**Cao Cao: **-whispering to himself– Dong Zhuo… you think you could get away with all that you've caused?? I'll make you pay!

-He enters the palace, since the doors were unguarded. Partly because the guards were out by the river, trying to find the Loch Ness monster.-

**Cao Cao: **-infiltrating the palace, whispering some more– Yes… that's right… sneak in, just like Sam Fisher! I'm a Splinter Cell. I'm a FUCKING Splinter Cell, baby! Or maybe I'm more like Solid Snake! Yep! I'm a SNAKE, man! SOLID SNAKE!!

-He starts entering the main hall, and upon doing so, he sees a statue of Lu Bu on Red Hare. It is completely gray.

**Cao Cao: **-surprised– Whuh? -then examines it closer– Ah! It's just a statue! Hah! As if a warrior like HIM could be deserving of such an honor as having a STATUE erected for him!

-The statue shifts its eyes towards Cao Cao angrily upon hearing his words.-

**Cao Cao: **-walking around the statue– I mean, why would anyone honor a warrior who actually RETREATED from his battle?? He could've EASILY scored a victory for that fatty Dong Zhuo, but NOO! He instead left! Like a COWARD!

-The statue gives out a faint growl. However, Cao Cao did not heard it.-

**Cao Cao: **-still walking– I mean, next thing you know, they're probably gonna erect a statue of freakin' John Cena!! Hah! A white rapper in the WWE!! No wonder Vince McMahon hates him so much! Who the hell besides Sun Jian likes rap anyway? Pshh… screw that – even so, I'd take RAP over LU BU any day!!

-By now, the statue is fuming with anger. It comes alive. Cao Cao hears a noise behind him and turns around, seeing the statue staring right at him.-

**Cao Cao: **-scared– AHH!! WHAT THE HELL???

**Lu Bu: **-revealing that the statue is in fact HE, simply painted gray all over– I set up an ambush for you, you pussy! But I can't take your insults any longer! I'll take you down RIGHT NOW!!!

**Cao Cao: **Oh, shit… RUN!!!

-Cao Cao starts to run away from the hall, with Lu Bu close behind. He walks through several corridors and rooms, including the main kitchen. Lu Bu still manages to run through every obstacle effortlessly, even a pizza cook who was making his dinner.

Cao Cao has finally reached the exit to the palace, and once there, he met up with Xiahou Dun, who has heard of his lone attempt.-

**Xiahou Dun: **My Lord! Are you ok??

**Cao Cao: **HELL NO!! LU BU IS RIGHT BEHIND ME!! HE'S PAINTED COMPLETELY GRAY AND HE MEANS **BUSINESS!!**

**Xiahou Dun: **-hand under chin– Painted gray?? That. Is. SO. Metal.

**Cao Cao: **RUN!! OR HE'LL GET YOU TOO!!

-Behind Xiahou Dun were Xiahou Yuan and Cao Ren. They helped escort Cao Cao to safety; at least for now.

However, that was short-lived. Xiahou Dun was busy holding off Lu Bu, and Dong Zhuo's officers Li Jue and Guo Si had surrounded Cao Cao and his men.-

**Xiahou Dun: **-crossing weapons with Lu Bu– You're quite a metal one, aren't you??

**Lu Bu: **Hah! You could say that! But I don't need some fake god like "Odin" to stand by my side to defeat you!

**Xiahou Dun: **-enraged– BLASPHEMER!! You must be another one of those false metalheads!! I'LL TEACH YOU A LESSON!!

**Cao Ren:** -overwhelmed– Dammit, this is tough!

**Xiahou Yuan: **FUCK, I know! I mean, what the FUCK!! This SHIT is so FUCKING PATHETIC!! FUCK!

**Cao Cao: **Xiahou Yuan, calm down!!

**Cao Ren: **It doesn't matter! We should hold them off! Cao Cao, you must escape!

**Cao Cao: **Ah, right!

-Cao Cao runs through the encirclement and is almost away from the battle site. However, the two guards who were trying to find the Loch Ness monster DID indeed find it. It was a HUGE beast.-

**Guard #1: **Holy shit! Look at this! It IS real!

**Guard #2: **Hell yea! We could SO make a profit out of this!

**Cao Cao: **-running, sees the monster– Holy…. Shit….

-Suddenly, the monster jumps out of the river, sending the guards flying with him, and charges Cao Cao, who was now running desperately for his life, eyes wide open. With a growl, the monster swings his head like a baseball bat and sends Cao Cao flying.-

**Cao Ren: **-seeing what just happened– HOLY CRAP!! CAO CAO HAS…

**Xiahou Yuan: **-sees the event as well– **SHIT!!** DID YOU **FUCKING** SEE **THAT** SHIT?? **FUCK!!! **HE GOT SENT SO **FUCKING **HIGH!!

**Xiahou Dun: **-also sees the event– Oh man! PULL BACK!!

-All three officers leave the battle and pull back to their camp.-

––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

**Narrator: **Meenwhile, Sun Jian had found sumfink in teh well back in LuoYang!

**Sun Jian: **-looking in the well– Hey, dawg! Did you see dat?

**Sun Shang Xiang: **-comes up to Jian– See what?

**Sun Jian: **There be something shiny in there!

**Sun Shang Xiang: **-facepalm and sigh– Dammit, dad. Do you remember the LAST time you found something in a well??

**Sun Jian: **Uhh… -scratches head– I totalled my Chevrolet against Huang Gai's club?

**SSX: **-groans– NO, dad. That was when you saw something shiny ON THE ROAD. I'm talking about the well! You found a drawing of Mickey Mouse in there, and then you freaked out!

**Sun** **Jian: **Oh. Well, I still wanna see it!

**SSX: **Ugh, alright…

-Sun Jian and several volunteers pulled up the rope from the well, and hanging on to it was a duck.-

**Sun Jian: **-stares at the duck for a few seconds– Sweet, yo! I got a duck! -picks up the duck– I shall name you Donald!

**SSX: **You mean like Donald Duck?

**Sun Jian: **Actually, I meant like Donald Trump. You know, so that he can say "You're Fired!" at some of my men if they disobey! He's a pimp, yo!

**SSX: **-sighs again– You have fun with that!

-Just then, the duck starts coughing. Sun Jian appears alarmed.-

**Sun Jian: **Uh… dawg? What's goin' on?

-The duck then vomits up what was in his mouth – the Imperial Seal.-

**Sun Jian: **-looks at the seal– Pshh. Who the hell needs THAT when I got dis here ducky??

-Sun Jian walks away, speaking in baby talk to his new pet while several of his soldiers fight for the Imperial Seal on the ground.

Cheng Pu picks it up and then runs to Sun Jian.-

**Cheng Pu: **My Lord, please! You MUST keep this! Sure, you don't like it, but trust me – it's a VERY powerful item!

**Sun Jian: **And why the hell should THAT interest me?

**Cheng Pu: **Uhh… because it's very rare and everyone wants it?

**Sun Jian: **So?

**Cheng Pu: **Well… it'll mean that you're a really powerful warlord?

**Sun Jian: **So?

**Cheng Pu: **Umm… it'll mean that you are rich?

**Sun Jian: **So?

**Cheng Pu: **Uh… it'll mean that you can buy all those new records out in stores today?

**Sun Jian: **Holy shit! Yes!! I'll take it!! -grabs the seal and puts it in his pocket– Let's not tell anyone, k?

**Cheng Pu: **Nope! Not a single word!

-However, one of his soldiers overheard them and went to report to Yuan Shao Sun Jian's possession of the Seal.

The next day, Yuan Shao asked Sun Jian about the Seal.-

**Yuan Shao: **Sun Jian! What is this about an "Imperial Seal" that I heard?

**Sun Jian: **Say wut?

**Yuan Shao: **I KNOW you have the Imperial Seal, Sun Jian!

**Sun Jian: **Yo, this be mine, y'heard?

**Yuan Shao: **-angrily– You BETTER give it to me right this instant! With it, I shall be able to buy ALL the poke-balls I need to capture every powerful warrior in the land!

**Sun Jian: **Well dawg, if you want this, you gonna have to FIGHT me for it!

**Yuan Shao: **So be it! -draws sword, but then throws it away– Hah! Let's have a FIST FIGHT!

**Sun Jian: **Sure thang! -throws away his sword-

-So then, the two have a fist fight. A large crowd has started gathering around, who were yelling "Fight! Fight!". Shao and Jian were fighting in the same style as high-school fist fights.

However, Gongsun Zan went through the crowd and broke the two up.-

**Gongsun Zan: **Alright, that's enough, you two!! What is the meaning of this??

**Yuan Shao: **-with a bloody nose– That man! He has the Imperial Seal! I want it!

**Sun Jian: **-his nose also bloody– Exactly! He started this shit!

**Gongsun Zan: **Well, you two should stop! Yuan Shao, what does that thing matter to one like you, anyway? And Sun Jian! Next time something like this happens, use WORDS instead of FISTS to deal with the problem!

**Sun Jian: **Well, forget y'all! I'm outta here! -gets on his horse and leaves with his men-

**Gongsun Zan: **Well… dammit. That's one more warlord lost.

––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

**Narrator: **Cao Cao has returned after getting pwnt by teh Loch Ness Monstar! ROFL!

**Cao Cao: **I'm back, guys! Unfortunately, I couldn't kill Dong Zhuo. But whatever! He shouldn't be a problem to us anymore! How's everything?

**Yuan Shao: **-sighing– Absolutely terrible! Sun Jian just ran away! With MY Imperial Seal! Ugh!

**Cao Cao: **Oh jeez, have we ALREADY started to break up the alliance? This definitely sucks…

**Yuan Shao: **Wait.. You're not leaving, are you??

**Cao Cao: **-sighs– I have no other reason to stay here, y'know. -gets on his horse and leaves with his men.-

**Yuan Shao: **Dammit!!

**Gongsun Zan: **Well, that's that. Nothing left for us in here! Liu Bei, let's go!

-Gongsun Zan and Liu Bei leave the alliance with their men.-

**Yuan Shao: **-stamping his foot with each word– Crap… crap… CRAP… **CRAP!!!** -stops stamping his foot– Well, Sun Jian isn't just gonna get away with that seal! Oh no. I'll make him PAY for defying me!

––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

**Narrator: **Yuan Shao sent a LETTUR to Liu Biao, asking for him to get teh Imperial Seal from Sun Jian!! Also, Yuan Shu wuz angree at Yuan Shao, so he asked Sun Jian to fite teh Liu Biao for him! ROFL!

**Liu Biao: **-appearing before Sun Jian– Hey, you! Give me the Imperial Seal now, or suffer the consequences!

**Sun Jian: **Hah! You want this, dawg? You gonna have ta GET IT!

**Liu Biao: **Hmph, fine!!

-Liu Biao leads an army against Sun Jian. Sun Jian had his son, Sun Ce, and his strategist, Zhou Yu, with him.

Sun Ce was wearing gangster clothes, just like Sun Jian. Zhou Yu was wearing a red robe, and his hair was in pigtails. BRAIDED pigtails.-

**Sun Ce: **Yo, daddeh! So, this be mah first fight, innit?

**Sun Jian: **Hellz yea!

**Zhou Yu: **They better not cut off my hair! It's my source of POWER!!

**Sun Jian: **Alright… All units, ATTACK!!

-The battle started with Sun Jian coming face to face with both Huang Zu and Lu Gong.-

**Lu Gong: **So YOU'RE the so-called Tiger of Jiang Dong! Turns out Zhang Liang was right about you. No ding-dongs!

**Huang Zu: **Hahah!! Nah, man… it's worse than that. Since HE got no ding-dongs, none of his SOLDIERS, including his SONS, got any ding-dongs!

**Sun Jian: **Hey! -points sword at Zu– You mess with my soldiers, you mess with my FAM, and THEREFORE, you mess with ME!!

**Huang Zu: **Hah! You even consider your soldiers "family". Maybe because you actually NEED some guys to make up for how weak your REAL one is!

**Sun Jian: **THAT DOES IT!! You're not escaping me!!!

-Huang Zu and Lu Gong started pulling back, with Sun Jian in close pursuit.

They managed to outrun him, and made it to the castle gates. Sun Jian finally caught up with them, where they set their traps.-

**Lu Gong: **Now! Start the rockslide!!

-Gong's soldiers create a rockslide which crushes Sun Jian's soldiers. However, miraculously, none of them even went near Jian.-

**Lu Gong:** WHAT??? How could that be???

**Huang Zu: **Oh, you idiot. Let ME take care of this. ARCHERS! ATTACK!!

-Huang Zu calls several archers, which ambush Sun Jian. They start shooting arrows in all directions. Sun Jian stays put, without even trying to defend himself. Perhaps because he was busy staring at the television set right on top of the castle gates, which was showing Family Guy.-

**Sun Jian: **-brushing his hands in front of him– Damn… there sure be lotsa flies around here…

-Even so, not a single one of the arrows hits him.-

**Huang Zu: **IMPOSSIBLE!!! I trained my soldiers for MONTHS!!

-Just then, a random guard appears before them and whispers something in their ears.-

**Lu Gong: **Ahh! That IS a good idea! Alright then… time for our RESERVE PLAN!!

**Sun Jian: **-starts paying attention– Huh? What reserve plan?

-Suddenly, a giant Mickey Mouse robot appears from behind the castle walls.-

**Sun Jian: **OH FUCKING SHIT!!! AAAHH!! -starts running in the other direction-

-However, the robot catches up to Sun Jian and stomps the ground, which knocks him off his horse. The robot bends down and grabs Sun Jian in his hand.-

**Mickey Mouse Robot: **-robotic voice– Are you Minnie Mouse??

**Sun Jian: **N-n-no!! I am… am… am… Ahh… -faints-

-It would seem that Sun Jian got scared to death, because he was no longer breathing, or responsive in any way whatsoever.-

**Lu Gong: **-one of the two people controlling the robot– Hey, look!

**Huang Zu: **-the other one controlling– Haha!! Sun Jian's dead! Our plan worked!!

-The robot leaves Sun Jian down on the ground. Sun Ce and Zhou Yu catch up to him.

The robot was already gone.-

**Sun Ce: **Hey, is that– FATHER!!!

-Sun Ce runs to Jian's body. Unfortunately, it was lifeless.-

**Sun Ce: **No… it can't be… He's dead!?!

**Zhou Yu: **Poor soul… He had so much ahead of him…

**Sun Ce: **Zhou Yu, please don't do that!

**Zhou Yu: **Sorry.

**Sun Ce: **-getting up, hands in fists– Well, either way, there's no way in HELL that Liu Biao's gonna get away with this! I'll kill him myself!!

-The Wu forces continued to fight their way through Liu Biao's. However, Lu Gong and Huang Zu were nowhere to be found.

Either way, Wu has already reached Liu Biao's main camp. They overwhelmed him in a matter of seconds.-

**Liu Biao: **-to Sun Ce– Why, you sure are a persistent one, aren't you?

**Sun Ce: **Shut up!! You killed my father, so I'll personally return the favor to you!!

-Suddenly, Liu Biao's cell phone rings.-

**Liu Biao: **Hu– ok, guys, hold up. -answers– Hello? Yea, this is he. What? I have to WHAT??? But I'm in the middle of– …Oh, fine, I'll go… -turns back to Sun Ce– Sorry, guys! I've been told by God that I gotta go and do ABSOLUTELY nothing!! Alright, see ya! -leaves the battle-

**Sun Ce: **Dammit! I wuz so close!!

––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

**Narrator: **Therefoar, Liu Biao wuz not killd in teh fight agenst Wu! Even tho he killd Sun Ce's daddy ROFL!

––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

_Chapter Six: "Cao Cao's Quests" coming next!_


	6. Cao Cao's Quests

**Chapter Six: Cao Cao's Quests**

––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

**Narrator: **Loo Boo and Dong Zhuo continued to live togethar! But then, Loo Boo got angree cuz Diao Chan sed that teh fatty did a bad job at making cheezburger!

**Diao Chan: **-angrily, to Lu Bu– LU BU!

**Lu Bu: **-turns around scared– Ahh, what is it??

**Diao Chan: **-points behind her– It's Dong Zhuo! That fatass overcooked my cheeseburger! I want you to get rid of him now!

**Lu Bu: **-laughs– Aww, girl, don't worry so much about him! You've got me! I could make them for you next time! Isn't that all that matters??

**Diao Chan: **But… he RUINED mine! I can't just let that go!

**Lu Bu: **But I said that I'll do it next time!

**Diao Chan: **No! I hate him!

**Lu Bu: **So?

**Diao Chan: **-grabs his collar– SO THAT MEANS THAT I'LL NUKE YOUR ASS IF YOU DON'T KILL DONG ZHUO RIGHT NOW, GOT IT??

**Lu Bu: **-whimpering– Y-yes!

-Lu Bu enters Dong Zhuo's room-

**Dong Zhuo: **Oh, hey, Lu Bu! What's up?

**Lu Bu:** -hiding a knife behind his back– Oh, nothing! I just wanted to show you something!

**Dong Zhuo: **Really? What's it? -pointing behind Lu Bu's back-

**Lu Bu: **-pulls out the knife– THIS! -shoves the knife into Zhuo's throat-

**Narrator: **PWNED!! No moar fatty! Yayy!! Hehe

––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

**Narrator: **After Cow Cow left Yuan Shao's alliance, he went to fite Loo Boo!

After he got his arse kikked by him! WUT A NUB! ROFLZ

He started in teh Yan Province, where first he got his arse kicked (AGAIN! XDD), but he got saved by teh baldy Dian Wei. He hax. Pshh.

**Cao Cao: **Ugh, well… now that THAT's over with, -happier– let's continue that Spanish class!

-Cao Cao and Xiahou Dun go to a school near his camp. He walks into a classroom, in which Liu Bei also was.

**Teacher: **Ah, you're back. Well… you know what?? -points to an area in the back of the class– SIT RIGHT THERE!! I'VE GOTTA HAVE A WORD WITH YOU TWO!!

-Both Cao Cao and Xiahou Dun sit in the back, while their teacher lectures them.-

**Teacher: **-looks at something in his clipboard, then throws it to the ground angrily– Dammit, you idiots have been in this class for nearly the whole school year, and the only Spanish you know is what you learned at TACO BELL! And Dun can't even get THAT right! Now I'm gonna give you two just 10 seconds to come up with a sentence in Spanish, and if you can't, you're both going to the Principal's office and you're both flunking! -silence– Well, I'm waiting!

**Cao Cao: **Umm…psoeir jsawoer shettier rheowr fdiwpriyg Rico Suave.

-Liu Bei laughs at him-

**Teacher: **PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE NOW!!

-Cao Cao cries as he goes to the Principal's Office.-

**Principal: **-sees Cao Cao entering– And, what's the meaning of this?

**Cao Cao: **I failed Spanish class, sir.

**Principal: **-lighter tone– Oh. You mean that class that Liu Bei is in?

**Cao Cao: **Yea…

**Principal: **What phrase in Spanish did you use?

**Cao Cao: **Rico Suave…

-Soon, Xiahou Dun enters as well.-

**Principal: **-sees Dun– Ah, another failure, eh? So what phrase did YOU try?

**Xiahou Dun: **Taco Supreme…

**Principal: **-shaking head– My, my, my… Well, I sense a rivalry here.

**Cao Cao: **-confused– What rivalry?

**Principal: **Well, between you and Liu Bei. He speaks better Spanish than both of you! And he's not even from a Latin-American country! OR Spain!

**Cao Cao: **-laughs– Nah, man! He and I are buddies! There's no way I can hate him!

**Principal: **-evil stare– Oh just you wait…

––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

**Narrator: **Cow Cow got out of detenshun and returnd. This time, he attacked Wancheng!!

**Cao Cao: **Hmph! You dare try to attack ME, Zhang Xiu?? Surrender to me now, or face the consequences!!

**Zhang Xiu: **-on his knees– Very well…

-Zhang Xiu led Cao Cao to Wan Castle, where he stayed for the night. However, while having a feast at the castle, Cao Cao noticed someone.-

**Cao Cao: **-laughing– Ah, bring me some more wine, please!

-A beautiful lady arrives with a cup of wine for Cao Cao.-

**Cao Cao: **-takes the cup and stares at the lady– Ahh… what's your name?

**Lady Zou: **Forget it. I don't like you, so go away. -walks away-

**Cao Cao: **-smiling– Ahh… I think she likes me!

-Cao Cao orders his men to capture the lady and bring him to her.-

**Cao Cao: **Hehe… hello there, beauty.

**Lady Zou: **Ugh! What the hell do you think you're doing??

**Cao Cao: **Relax! Don't worry! I'm actually quite good in bed!

**Lady Zou: **-rolls eyes– That's what Zhang Ji said…

**Cao Cao: **Hah! You doubt me?? Well, how do you think I got all my sons right there? -points to some of his sons which came with him-

**Lady Zou: **-looks at them– Ooo… seems like those ladies must've really liked you!

**Cao Cao: **Exactly! So you'll DEFINITELY like ME!

**Lady Zou: **Hell yea! Let's start tonight, eh? -winks-

**Cao Cao: **Haha! I like where this is going!

-He and Lady Zou start walking to a bedroom.-

**Cao Cao: **-whispering to one of his sons– Ok, tell them that they can take their makeup off now!

-He does, and the rest start sighing in relief as they leave to the bathroom.

Meanwhile, one of Zhang Xiu's men sees what Cao Cao has done to Lady Zou, and reports the situation to him. Zhang Xiu becomes infuriated.-

**Zhang Xiu: **How dare he!! … She was the stuntwoman in Zhang Ji's Hollywood film! And now she's having sex with CAO CAO?? Why, that little… -calls out– JIA XU!! Get over here!! I need to talk to you!

-A man in robes and wearing a black masquerade comes in.-

**Jia Xu: **Yes, what is it? Can't you see I'm busy looking sexy?

**Zhang Xiu: **-sighs– Look – Cao Cao has gone and slept with LADY ZOU!! Do you have any idea who she IS??

**Jia Xu: **Gee… well… here's what we should do. While he's asleep, set up a fire attack. That way, he'll have nowhere to escape!

**Zhang Xiu: **Simplistic, but it'll do!

-So, while Cao Cao was asleep, Zhang Xiu's archers shot some fire arrows around his room.-

**Cao Cao: **-sniffing– Hmm… BBQ… -sniffs more– Eww, it's overcooked! -sniffs again– Ok, that's it! I'm having a talk with the–

-He wakes up and sees what has happened-

**Cao Cao: **Ohh... Shiiiit… -runs out screaming– HELP!! HELP!! FIRE!! FIRE!!!

-Cao Cao's men wake up and start running about as well. However, Zhang Xiu's men came out and started slaughtering them.-

**Cao Cao: **Oh no! What should I do???

-Just then, Dian Wei appears and defeats some of Xiu's soldiers.-

**Dian Wei: **Master, are you ok??

**Cao Cao: **Ah, thank you! I've got to find a way out of here!

**Dian Wei: **-looking around, finds an exit, pointing to it– That way!

-Cao Cao runs ahead while Dian Wei stays behind.

Zhang Xiu's general, Hu Che'er, dressed like a surfer, appears before Dian Wei.-

**Hu Che'er: **-laughing– Heyyy, what's up??

**Dian Wei: **Out of the way! You're NOT getting near Lord Cao Cao!

**Hu Che'er: **Hey, calm down! What's with all this hostility??

**Dian Wei: **What do you want??

**Hu Che'er: **Lookit here! -pulls out a surfboard– You like this, right?

**Dian Wei: **-stares at it– Whoa… it's cool…

**Hu Che'er: **This can be yours! BUT… I'll give it to you for your axe!

**Dian Wei: **What – this?? -takes out his axe-

**Hu Che'er: **-nods– Yep!

**Dian Wei: **………OK!!

-Dian Wei gives Hu Che'er the axe.-

**Hu Che'er: **-large grin– HAHA! JUST KIDDING!! BYE!! -runs away-

**Dian Wei: **HEY!! -is unable to chase him down– That lying bastard!!

-However, he had no time to be angry about it, for several of Zhang Xiu's soldiers have appeared in front of Wei.-

**Dian Wei:** Ugh… without my axe… Hah! Who needs THAT?? -pulls out a deck of cards– I challenge you… to a GAME OF BLACKJACK!!

**Soldiers: **Hah!! Alright!

-Dian Wei played as the dealer in this blackjack game, which was constantly getting more and more players. He lost quite a few times, though, and for each loss, he lost more and more of his money. Eventually, he lost enough times to leave him unable to pay the soldiers. They got angry and drove their weapons through him, killing him.

However, Cao Cao was able to get away, thanks to his son Cao Ang lending him his horse. Ang died in battle as well, though.-

––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

**Narrator: **Cow Cow lost Dian Wei, but he returnd to fite Loo Boo! Despite him getting pwned, Cow Cow still managed to outsmart Loo Boo and got him to run awai to Xuzhou, where Xiapi castle was! It wuz owned by teh Liu Bei! BEANER!!

**Lu Bu: **-sees Liu Bei outside– Ah, thank goodness! -gets off Red Hare and walks up to Liu Bei– Hey, man, you gotta help me, please!

**Liu Bei: **Oye, what's the matter, vato?

**Lu Bu: **Cao Cao has overwhelmed my forces! I can't keep fighting him due to the Irish Potato Famine that somehow broke out in OUR fields!

**Liu Bei: **Hey wait… how could it be Irish if it was in TU campo?

**Lu Bu: **Well… it was in the STYLE of the Irish Potato Famine? Ugh, whatever! Just please, lemme reside in your castle for a while!

**Liu Bei: **Ok… but under UN CONDICION!

**Lu Bu: **What's that?

**Liu Bei: **You must eat my new taco!! -pulls out a pan with three tacos-

**Lu Bu: **Hah! You kidding? I love tacos! -stuffs all three in his mouth at once-

-However, not only were those tacos very spicy and hot, but they had guacamole inside. Lu Bu hated guacamole-

**Lu Bu: **Ugh… this is.. Yucky… AAH! HOT!! -starts running around, breathing fire– HOT! HOT! GET ME SOME WATER!!

**Liu Bei: **-smiling, calling out behind him– GUAN YU!!

**Guan Yu: **-walking up to Liu Bei– Yea?

**Liu Bei: **Get that vato loco some agua, por favor!

**Guan Yu: **Uhh... Xuande… isn't that the guy that we fought back at Hu Lao Gate?

**Liu Bei: **Why, yes! He is!

**Guan Yu: **Dude! Why is he here?? Get him out!

**Liu Bei: **Oye, are you kidding? No! He came to us for nuestra ayuda!

**Guan Yu: **Xuande, do you have any idea how many people he's betrayed? He's killed TWO of his adoptive fathers!

**Liu Bei: **-laughing– Relax, ese! He's not gonna do anything to us! Look! Just get him some agua, ok?

**Guan Yu: **Ugh… ok… your loss.

-Guan Yu gets some water for Lu Bu, who afterwards goes into Xiapi castle with his men, among them being Zhang Liao, and lets them rest.

However, Lu Bu still recalled the memory of those horrible tacos he ate earlier.-

**Lu Bu: **Ughh… that little punk… does he think he can just get away with that?

**Zhang Liao: **-sitting beside him, still in his dress– Well hey, he still let you rest inside this castle! And besides, it's not like he actually raised his sword against you, you know!

**Lu Bu: **-getting up– I don't care! I love tacos, but now because of him, I can never enjoy them the same way again! And for THAT, I'll punish him by seizing this castle for myself!

**Zhang Liao: **-sighing and shaking his head, speaking to the reader– THIS, my friends, is how people get captured and executed by a bunch of peons…

-That night, Lu Bu seized Xiapi castle and took over it.

The next morning, Liu Bei returned to the castle.-

**Liu Bei: **-seeing two of Lu Bu's guards near the entrance who were blocking his path– Oye, que hacen ustedes? This is my castillo, isn't it?

**Guards: **Sorry, but this castle now belongs to Lu Bu. Turn back now.

**Liu Bei: **Oh… ok! -turns around– Hey, guys! Looks like this castle is kinda occupado ahora! Let's go to Xiaopei!

-With that, Liu Bei and his men go to the small town of Xiaopei.-

––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

**Narrator: **Yuan Shu, teh lozer, sent Ji Ling to confront Liu Bei! He wuz gonna spam his doods FOREVAR with Viagra ads!!

-A soldier from Lu Bu's army had heard of this event, and quickly ran to Lu Bu to tell him the news.-

**Soldier: **Lord Lu Bu! Yuan Shu is sending a general to harass Liu Bei with Viagra ads!

**Lu Bu: **-drinking Coke– Hah, really?? Well, he deserves it! Let him be!

**Soldier: **But my Lord! If Liu Bei commits suicide out of annoyance, Yuan Shu might turn his attention to you next!! Remember – technically he IS still your ally! Those ads could spread like a computer virus and plague YOU next!!

**Lu Bu: **-spits out his drink– WHAT??? I can't have that happening!! -gets up– GUYS! Stay right here! I'm going to Xiaopei to resolve this!

-Lu Bu leaves the castle and makes his way to Xiaopei.

He finds Liu Bei and Ji Ling. Ling is, of course, dressed like a dildo.-

**Lu Bu: **Uhh… -staring at Ji Ling– I heard there was some sort of problem going on around here?

**Liu Bei: **-angrily– That's right, ese! Este maricon right here won't leave me alone!!

**Ji Ling: **_BUT WAIT! IF YOU ORDER NOW, YOU'LL ALSO GET THIS FREE BOD MAN FRAGRANCE SPRAY!! IT'LL ENHANCE YOUR MANLINESS!!!_

**Lu Bu: **Right… well… -gets off his horse– Maybe I can come up with a solution to this.

**Ji Ling: **_A $139.99 VALUE, ABSOLUTELY FREE! JUST CALL 1-800-IMH-ORNY RIGHT NOW!!_

**Lu Bu: **Alright, that's enough. Now, here's my proposal. Come here, you two.

-Both Liu Bei and Ji Ling walk up to Lu Bu.-

**Lu Bu: **I think that to solve this… -raises halberd– WE SHOULD KILL JI LING!!!

**Liu Bei: **ORALE, SI!!! -raises sword-

-Both Lu Bu and Liu Bei charge at a fleeing Ji Ling, who runs across a bridge. However, once he makes it across, it collapses on Lu Bu and Liu Bei, sending them down into the river.-

**Ji Ling: **-calling down on the two– _ARE YOU CONSTANTLY IN NEED OF RESCUING WHEN DROWNING IN A RIVER OR LAKE?? WELL, YOU'RE IN LUCK!! OUR NEW PRODUCT, THE AQUA-FLOATER, WILL ENSURE YOUR LIFE WHEN TRAPPED IN A LARGE WATER SOURCE!!!_

-After about an hour, Lu Bu brings the two together again.-

**Lu Bu: **Ok, obviously that didn't work… well how about this? -points to a one-eighth scale replica of the Statue of Liberty– If I can break that thing apart with my bare fists, Ji Ling has to walk away!

**Liu Bei: **Alright, good!

-Lu Bu thus walks back a few steps and gets into a running position. He counts to three and charges at the statue, fist raised. He thrusts his fist at the statue's mid section. It didn't budge.-

**Lu Bu: **-grabbing his hand painfully, rolling on the ground– AAAHHH CRAP!!! THAT FUCKING HURT!!! GAWD!!! I HOPE I DON'T NEED A CAST!!!

**Ji Ling: **_HAVE YOU SERIOUSLY INJURED ANY PART OF YOUR BODY, OR BROKEN A FEW BONES?? NO PROBLEM!! THE NEW ALPHA-HEALER WILL RESTORE ANY AFFECTED BODY PARTS TO PERFECTION!! EXACTLY THE WAY IT WAS BEFORE!! AS GOOD AS NEW!!_

-After a while, Lu Bu once again brings the two together.-

**Lu Bu: **Well… that's two strikes, but there's still room for one more! Here's what I'll try now. -points to a group of rock musicians– I'm gonna play a guitar solo with those guys, and if I mess up, or ruin my instrument, or those guys beat me up, then I lose, and you win. Ok?

-Lu Bu goes to join the musicians and picks up his guitar.-

**Lu Bu: **A one… a two... A one, two, three, four…

-The music starts, and Lu Bu plays a guitar solo which he had written for the song. He gave copies of the music to both Ji Ling and Liu Bei, so that they can judge how closely Lu Bu was following it. However, after about a minute, one of the strings on the guitar breaks.-

**Lu Bu: **Aww, shit!

**Bassist: **-stopping– Well, it's no use going on now!

**Rhythm Guitarist: **Yea! Let's get him for ruining our song!!

**Lu Bu: **No wait! I– AAHH!!

-The musicians beat Lu Bu up while Liu Bei watches in embarrassment.

**Ji Ling: **_ARE YOU HAVING DIFFICULTY LEARNING AN INSTRUMENT, OR GETTING USED TO IT?? NO PROBLEM!! THE NEW MUSIC-PRO 3000 WILL HELP YOU MASTER YOUR INSTRUMENT IN JUST 3 MONTHS!! WHETHER IT BE GUITAR, VIOLIN, DRUMS, OR TUBA, YOU CAN BET THAT YOU'RE GETTING YOUR MONEY'S WORTH!!_

-However, Lu Bu gathers the two around one last time.-

**Lu Bu: **Alright, I know that you two are probably getting pissed off at my constant failures, but I assure you, this is the last deal!

**Ji Ling: **_ARE YOUR PLANS CONSTANTLY GETTING RUINED?? WELL, MAYBE YOU NEED OUR CUSTOM SUPER-PLANNER!! IT WILL PLAN ANYTHING, FROM YOUR NEXT DATE WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND, TO YOUR LORD'S MURDER!!_

**Lu Bu: **Ji Ling, shut up. Alright… -points to a halberd standing erect– I'm gonna shoot an arrow at that halberd, from about 20 yards away. If I can hit the upper tip, then I win, and Ji Ling has to go away. Deal?

**Liu Bei: **-sighs– You're not gonna win, ese. What's the point??

**Lu Bu: **Don't count me out yet!

-Lu Bu takes a few steps back, and pulls out his bow. He loads an arrow into it and takes a few seconds to calculate his aim. Then, he shoots his arrow, and to Liu Bei's amazement, hits it right on the tip of the halberd.-

**Lu Bu: **-laughing– Hahaha!! That's that! Ji Ling, go away now!

-Ji Ling leaves without a word.-

––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

**Narrator: **Loo Boo allied with Yuan Shu (THE LOZER!!) to help fite off Cow Cow. Howevar, he also later attacked Liu Bei!

-Lu Bu goes back to Xiaopei with several men to meet Liu Bei.-

**Liu Bei: **Oye, hi there, Lu B– uh… -points at Lu Bu's soldiers– What are they for?

**Lu Bu: **Oh, it's not much. You see… -raises halberd– YOU'RE GOIN' DOWN!!

-Lu Bu and his men attacked Liu Bei. However, he managed to retreat and then went to Cao Cao, his friend, to ask for help against Lu Bu.-

**Liu Bei: **Cao Cao, este hombre esta loco! He tried to kill me!

**Cao Cao: **Hell, you think YOU'RE the only one who has a problem with him?? That guy nearly killed ME too once!

**Liu Bei: **Perfecto! Then YOU can help me destroy him!

**Cao Cao: **Haha, yea! BUT… I'M gonna destroy him, ok?

**Liu Bei: **Hey?? Nono! I'M gonna do it!

**Cao Cao: **Shut up! I will!

**Liu Bei: **No, **I** will!

**Cao Cao: I** will!

**Liu Bei: I **will!

-Xiahou Dun steps in-

**Xiahou Dun: **Hey guys, guys, what's the matter??

**Liu Bei: **-points at Cao Cao– I said that I was gonna kill Lu Bu, but he said that HE was going to!

**Xiahou Dun: **Oh jeez, don't start now, ok? It doesn't matter who does it – if he's gone, that's all that matters!

**Liu Bei: **Ugh, fine…I definitely do want him gone, anyway. Let's do this, Cao Cao!

**Cao Cao: **Sure thing!

––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

**Narrator: **Now, this wuz teh Battel of Xiapi!

-Lu Bu at first went out of the castle, and came face-to-face with Liu Bei.-

**Liu Bei: **Ah, you again!! Tu trataste de matarme! I won't let you get away con eso!

**Lu Bu: **Shut up, punk! -draws weapon-

-The two fight for a while, but Liu Bei was clearly struggling. A messenger from his army runs to Cao Cao and tells him the situation. He then calls for Xiahou Dun to assist him.-

**Xiahou Dun: **-to his men– Alright, guys! Teach this poser a lesson! ERADICATE HIS ARMY!!

-However, just then, an arrow came and flew right into his eye.-

**Xiahou Dun: **AAGGHH!!! -pulls out the arrow and looks at the eye on it– This… this… this eye! This is… my eye!? Hmph! It would be totally un-metal to just throw it away! FOR THE SAKE OF TRUE METAL OF STEEL, I SHALL…… sugar-coat it AND THEN EAT IT!!

-He wraps some cotton candy around the eye and then eats it.-

**Xiahou Dun: **Mmm… yummy. I believe MORE people should eat human eyes! That'd be SO metal!

-He looks up and sees another arrow aimed straight for his face.-

**Xiahou Dun: **AAH!! -ducks at the last second, then gets back up– Damn, that was close! Ok, look – it's metal to eat ONE eye, but NOT TWO!! -however, another arrow hits him in his second eye– Shit…

-Xiahou Dun, assisted by his cousin Xiahou Yuan, pulls back from the battlefield.

Meanwhile, Lu Bu sent Hou Cheng and Wang Kai to try to get Yuan Shu's support.-

**Hou Cheng: **-to Yuan Shu– Ah, Master Yuan Shu!

**Wang Kai: **We need your help!

**Yuan Shu: **-puts away his Pokemon Pearl game– Oh, really? What is it this time?

**Hou Cheng: **Lu Bu is requesting your reinforcements!

**Yuan Shu: **-scoffs– Why? Isn't he all "high and mighty" enough to take on any and all challengers by himself?

**Wang Kai: **Dude, he's only human! He needs help at some points!

**Yuan Shu: **Well… -thinks– Fine! I'll do it. BUT!

**Hou Cheng: **But what?

**Yuan Shu: **I want his horse, Red Hare!

**Wang Kai: **What??

**Yuan Shu: **I'll help Lu Bu IF he agrees to give me his horse once we win! Oh yea – and some of Liu Bei's tacos. Yummy…

-Hou Cheng and Wang Kai return to Lu Bu with Yuan Shu's proposals. He was shocked by them, and decided to meet with him himself. However, he was sealed off by Guan Yu and Zhang Fei.-

**Guan Yu: **-seeing Lu Bu– Going someplace?

**Zhang Fei: **Sorry, buddy! Your pal Yuan Shu ain't comin' for ya!

**Lu Bu: **What?? -growls– Fine! I don't need his help anyway!! Before this battle is over, I'll kill you both myself! -turns back to his castle-

-Meanwhile, Cao Cao's army was experiencing large casualties. He needed a way to stop the enemy's attack soon.-

**Cao Cao: **Dammit! I can't go on like this! What should we do??

-Cao Cao's advisor, Xun Yu, appears next to Cao Cao. He stood out among most of Cao Cao's men seeing as he had his hair in long dreadlocks and speaks in a "black" accent.-

**Xun Yu: **Heyy, what's wrong, man?

**Cao Cao: **I need help! My army is getting pulverized by Lu Bu's! What can I do to hold them back?

**Xun Yu: **-puts his arm on Cao Cao's shoulder– Man, you should know every army's got a weakness! In THIS case, you should note that this castle's surrounded by water! AND, what can water do to you?

**Cao Cao: **Uhh…it can make you not thirsty?

**Xun Yu: **-shakes head– No, man! Look – you gotta make it flood! DROWN out those fools!

**Cao Cao: **Ah! That's it!! Thank you very much, Xun Yu! I'll get right on it!

-So, Cao Cao starts peeing in the river. He drinks as many beers as possible to get his bladder full, and continues peeing for several days without stopping to do anything else. Eventually, the water starts overflowing.-

**Lu Bu's Soldier #1: **-looking at the water– Eww! Why's it yellow??

**Soldier #2: **-scared– That's not ALL we should be worried about! It's overflowing!

**Soldier #1: **Ahh!! Hurry! Up! -runs upward-

-The two start running to higher ground before they could die an embarrassing death of drowning in urine. Even so, several of the other soldiers who weren't alerted beforehand had indeed drowned.

Now, Xiapi Castle was surrounded by urine. The city was completely drowned out.-

**Lu Bu: **-witnessing the event– Ugh… urine… what the hell happened??

**Soldier #3: **-standing next to him– I have no idea!

**Lu Bu: **-holding on to his stomach, walking away– Excuse me… I gotta… get out of here…

-Lu Bu vomited into a trash can, but soon after, demanded that several kegs of beer be brought to him.-

**Lu Bu: **Well, guys! Now the enemies can't reach us! They'd have to SWIM through the urine to get to our castle! Hah! We've won this battle! Let's drink it up!

-For the next few days, he'd drink out those kegs – two a day – and his behavior became violent. Several of his men begged him to stop, and while sober, swore to do so.-

**Lu Bu: **Ah, whatever! I can handle living without it! Let's just be ourselves!

-However, he drank three more pints of beer later that day, and his behavior turned violent again. He beat up several of his soldiers, and emptied their pet fish tank. The other soldiers got angry at this outrage and started laying down bridges for the Allies to walk across to the castle.-

**Soldier #4: **If he thinks he can get away with killing my little goldfish Chunky, I'll have HIM killed!

-The Allies walk into the castle to meet a sleeping Lu Bu. Some of Cao Cao's soldiers walk up to him and pick him up.

He is woken up by a light smack to the head. He realizes that he is chained up-

**Lu Bu: **What the?? -struggles– What's the meaning of this???

**Cao Cao: **Hahaha! Not so mighty now, are you??

**Lu Bu: **-growls– You better get me out of here!!

**Cao Cao: **Hah! Of course not! After several years of fighting, I've FINALLY conquered you! Now, for your execution!

**Lu Bu: **What?? You wouldn't DARE!!

**Cao Cao: **Men! …… THROW HIM INTO THE URINE RIVER!!

**Lu Bu: **HUH?? HEY!! NO, WAIT!! DON'T–

-Too late. He was thrown into the river, still chained up. He sank from the weight of his armor and the chains bounding him. Too bad for him.-

––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

**Narrator: **So now, Cow Cow haz finally defeeted teh Lu Bu! There's no stoppin him, huh? XDD

––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

_Chapter Seven: (yet to be titled) coming next!_


	7. Pokemon Battle of Guandu

**Chapter Seven: Pokemon Battle of Guandu**

––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

**Narrator: **Liu Bei finally got tired of Cow Cow one day!

**Cao Cao: **-playing chess with Liu Bei– Hey, Liu Bei?

**Liu Bei: **Si?

**Cao Cao: **How are you doing in your Spanish classes? -moves a rook to the center of the board-

**Liu Bei: **To tell you the truth, ese, it ain't so bueno! -moves a bishop to destroy Cao's rook-

**Cao Cao: **-snaps fingers in frustration from his lost piece, then resumes– Why not?

**Liu Bei: **Well, y'see, I speak un POCO de Espanol, but ONLY un poco, y'know? … By the way, it's your turn.

**Cao Cao: **-moves a knight to the left side– Well heck, it's better than me! I only know like two words!

**Liu Bei: **-laughs– Looks like there's a rivalry going on here! -moves a rook to destroy his knight-

-Cao Cao absorbs the words. They're the exact same that the principal has told him about Liu Bei. Also, he was getting quite pissed off about Bei destroying all of his pieces.-

**Cao Cao: **-calm– Well, then… I have another question for you… Before this land is united (under me, of course!), who do you think the two top rulers will be?

**Liu Bei: **Uhh… Emperor Kuzco and a Yardstick?

**Cao Cao: **-facepalm– No, dammit… I'm talking about here, in China.

**Liu Bei: **Oh! Ok! Um… the Baozi and the Mantou?

**Cao Cao: **-loses patience– Ok, you know what?? Why don't you let ME tell you?

**Liu Bei: **Sure.

––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

-After he gave his answer, the two never were the same again. Liu Bei departed from Cao Cao, and has now joined Yuan Shao in Guandu, though Cao Cao did not know that yet.

However, one day, Guan Yu came up to Cao Cao.-

**Cao Cao: **-playing Mario Party 8 with Cao Ren and Xiahou Dun– Hahaha!! I love this minigame!

**Cao Ren: **Of course you do! All you have to do in At The Chomp Wash is shake the Wii remote like crazy! No talent required at all! Pshh!

**Xiahou Dun: **Hey! I don't care! Chomp is pure metal, y'know!

-Guan Yu comes in, looking at them with a confused expression-

**Guan Yu: **Uhh, Lord Cao Cao?

**Cao Cao: **-pauses game and looks up– Guan Yu??? What are YOU doing here??

**Guan Yu: **Well… you see… I kinda lost my map of all the Taco Bell restaurants around here. My brother has it… -shakes fist– And I don't know where he is. So… since I have nowhere else to stay and eat, I figured I could… you know…

**Cao Cao: **-laughs– Sure! Come on in! There's always room for one more person in OUR group!

**Guan Yu: **-sweatdrop– Uh, actually… I was just gonna ask if you had a spare copy of the map…

-Silence, as the three Wei officers have a dismayed expression on their faces-

**Guan Yu: **-happier– But since I also have to try to find my brothers, I like your idea better!

-The three Wei officers cheered as Guan Yu takes a seat with them. He joins the Mario Party game, and easily outplays all of them in the minigames.-

**Xiahou Dun: **-after the game is over– Wow… you're good!

**Guan Yu: **-laughs– My brothers and I used to play this game all the time!

-At the end of the day, Cao Cao introduces Guan Yu to Lu Bu's old horse, Red Hare.-

**Cao Cao: **Hey Guan Yu! Wait!

**Guan Yu: **Ah? What is it?

**Cao Cao: **Hehe… check it out!! -points to something under a blanket-

-Xiahou Dun and Cao Ren come up to remove the blanket in a presentable manner, revealing Red Hare, with custom hoof rims, an Orange paint job, flame decals, and reflectors.-

**Guan Yu: **-jumps up and down– Whoa, no way!! That's mine??

**Cao Cao: **That's right!! Lu Bu obviously could not use that horse well, so maybe YOU can!!

**Guan Yu: **Heh… you "pimped my horse", didn't you?

**Cao Cao: **-winks– Yep!

––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

**Narrator: **Meenwhile, Yuan Shao's generals Ju Shou and Tian Feng told him that he shoold attack Cow Cow!

**Ju Shou: **My Lord! Cao Cao's army is expanding greatly!

**Yuan Shao: **-puts away his Pokemon Diamond game– So? What does that have to do with me?

**Tian Feng: **Well, if it grows any further, it might prove to be a threat against YOUR army! You've gotta stop him as soon as possible!

**Yuan Shao: **-laughs– Don't be crazy! He doesn't care about me! All he was concerned with about 10 years ago was Lu Bu! Like HELL he'd want to take MY land!

**Ju Shou: **For crying out loud, he's a fucking WARLORD!! Who knows??

**Yuan Shao: **-angrily– Out of my sight, you two! …You interrupted my Gym Leader battle!

-However, Cao Cao was indeed setting up forces at Guandu. Yuan Shao saw this eventually and sent a vanguard to attack Liyang. Yu Jin, who was occupying Liyang at the time, sent a message to Cao Cao of Shao's attack, and thus he prepared for a battle.-

**Messenger: **-to Cao Cao– My Lord! Yuan Shao's army is advancing towards Guandu!

**Cao Cao: **What???

**Messenger: **He has already attacked Liyang!

**Cao Cao: **-shakes head– Since when did that numbskull give a shit about ME?? -sighs– Oh well… -calling to his army– ALL UNITS! Prepare for battle!!

-Cao Cao's army moved up north, where they set up camp at Guandu castle. Cao Cao, however, decided to fight outside of the castle, to confront Yuan Shao himself.

Yuan Shao appeared before him, with several thousand soldiers behind him.-

**Yuan Shao: **So, you thought you could just "set up fortifications" at Guandu so that you could attack me later??

**Cao Cao: **Hey! I had no intention of ever even SEEING your face again, so shut up!

**Yuan Shao: **Hmph! Well there's no way out now! Let's settle this MY way! -pulls out a pokeball– Are you ready for this??

**Cao Cao: **Hah! You bet I am! -pulls out his pokeball as well-

**Yuan Shao: **-looks at Cao Cao's pokeball belt– Haha!! You only have three?? Why, I have SIX! I've caught a LOT of new guys while you were gone! I'm fully prepared for anything you might send out!

**Cao Cao: **Damn! This'll be a tough one indeed…

**Yuan Shao: **-throws pokeball– I choose you, YAN LIANG!!

-Yan Liang (Lv. 26) comes out of the pokeball.-

**Yan Liang: **Arr… YanLiang… Arr…

**Cao Cao: **Well then! -throws pokeball– I choose you, Xu Huang!!

-Xu Huang (Lv. 24) comes out. Xu Huang for some strange reason had a long, thick beard, Arab-style.-

**Xu Huang: **-scratches chin– Hmm… it would seem that we've got a fight going on here!

**Yan Liang:** -angrily– YanLiang!!

**Yuan Shao: **Haha! Your Xu Huang will be easily defeated!

**Xu Huang: **-raises palm– Please!! That's Musa Muhammad to you!

**Yuan Shao: **-facepalm– Yan Liang, use TACKLE…

-Yan Liang tackles Xu Huang, knocking him down temporarily.-

**Xu Huang: **-getting up– Hey! What's the meaning of this?? Why, I'll send the wrath of Allah down on you!!

**Cao Cao: **Xu Huang– Uh, I mean… -slowly– Musa Muhammad… Use your FURY SWIPES!!

-Xu Huang slashes at Yan Liang, but misses.-

**Yuan Shao: **Hmph! I don't have time to deal with this! Yan Liang, use ROAR!!

-Yan Liang roars loudly, causing Xu Huang to run away in fear.-

**Xu Huang: **Forget this!! I'm out of here!! Maybe AL QAEDA could take him, but not me!!

**Cao Cao: **Ugh… Well, how about this?? -throws pokeball– I choose you, GUAN YU!!!

-Guan Yu (Lv. 38) comes out, on top of Red Hare.-

**Guan Yu: **-looks around confused– Whoa! I'm sent out to battle already?? Man, I've only been asleep for 3 hours…

**Yuan Shao: **Hmph! Yan Liang, finish him off!

**Cao Cao: **-wags index finger left and right– Uh, uh uh! Guan Yu is at a higher level, and thus stronger! Therefore, HE goes first!

**Yuan Shao: **Oh, damn!

**Cao Cao: **GUAN YU!! Use your CUT attack!!

-Guan Yu strikes Yan Liang with his blade, killing him in one hit-

**Yan Liang: **AGHH!! Ridiculous… to be killed… by someone like you!! -dies-

**Guan Yu: **Yan Liang has fallen to my blade!!

**Yuan Shao: **What?? Yan Liang!! Nooo!!!

**Cao Cao: **Hahaha!!! One down already!!

**Yuan Shao: **-growls– I won't let you get away with that! -throws pokeball– WEN CHOU, I choose YOU!!

-Wen Chou (Lv. 28) appears, on a horse.-

**Wen Chou: **Grr, WenChou!! Grr!

**Yuan Shao: **Wen Chou, use your QUICK ATTACK!!

-Wen Chou charges at Guan Yu, but misses-

**Cao Cao: **Guan Yu, use CUT!!

-Guan Yu strikes Wen Chou with his blade, once again killing him in one hit.-

**Guan Yu: **Wen Chou has fallen to my blade!!

**Yuan Shao: **Gah!! Wen Chou too??

**Cao Cao: **Pff, this is too easy!

-Guan Yu grew to Lv. 39!

Guan Yu learned "Repay Debt"!-

**Yuan Shao: **Noo!! Both Yan Liang AND Wen Chou!! Ughh…

**Cao Cao: **Haha! That's right! Send your next weakling!

**Yuan Shao: **Hmph! LIU BEI, I choose you!!

-Liu Bei (Lv. 35) appears.-

**Guan Yu: **-amazed– BROTHER??

**Liu Bei: **HERMANO???

**Guan Yu: **-laughing, runs to hug his brother– BROTHER!! You're alive!!

**Liu Bei: **-also laughing– That's correcto! Boy, am I feliz to see you!!

**Yuan Shao: **-staring in disbelief– What… the…

**Cao Cao: **-shaking head– Bad idea, Yuan Shao… bad idea…

-The two brothers continue to speak happily to each other, when Yuan Shao starts yelling-

**Yuan Shao: **-stamps foot– DAMMIT, LIU BEI, STOP THAT RIGHT NOW!! YOU'RE **MY** POKEMON!! AND I ORDER YOU TO **ATTACK** GUAN YU!!

**Cao Cao: **Come on, Guan Yu! Do this for me!!

-Both brothers flip the middle finger at their respective commanders.-

**Liu Bei: **Oye, besa mi culo!! This is mi familia, and I ain't gonna kill him!

**Guan Yu: **Cao Cao, shut up!! I NEVER attack sworn brothers! -turns to Liu Bei– Hey, whaddya say we hit it to Taco Bell and go get some Quesadillas? This place blows, and I'm hungry.

**Liu Bei: **Orale, si!! Let's go!!

-GUAN YU used REPAY DEBT!

The two brothers leave the battlefield without their commanders' consent.-

**Yuan Shao: **No, Liu Bei, wait– Oh, for the love of…

**Cao Cao: **Whatever! Let's just continue this battle! -throws pokeball– XIAHOU DUN, I choose you!!

-Xiahou Dun (Lv. 32) appears.-

**Xiahou Dun: **Alright! I'm ready to go KILL stuff!! -swings sword-

**Yuan Shao: **Aghh… it's him… -frown turns to grin– But this time, you won't live! Because, now I shall use THE MIGHTY **LU BU!!!**

**Cao Cao: **-puts hands on head– WHAT??? THAT CAN'T BE!!

-Cao Cao starts walking around in circles, shocked by what he just heard-

**Cao Cao: **How could that be?? I killed Lu Bu!! How could he have survived?? I made SURE that he was dead!! He was tied up and everything!! How did he get out??

-The ranting continues for about two hours, while Xiahou Dun sits down, legs crossed, head down from embarrassment.-

**Cao Cao: **I mean, it can't be!! I threw him into the river! A river of MY OWN FUCKING URINE!!! He couldn't have made it out of that!! It's just-

**Yuan Shao: **Hey, Cao Cao! Guess what?? I don't really have Lu Bu!! I just said that to get you disoriented so that my men could attack your castle while you weren't paying attention!! -laughs-

**Cao Cao: **-stops– Oh. -relieved– So then Lu Bu IS dead!! Hah!

**Yuan Shao: **-confused– Well… yea… but like I said… my strategy will destroy you!

**Cao Cao: **-shocked– What??

**Yuan Shao: **HAHAHA!! THAT'S RIGHT!!!

**Cao Cao: **…… since when do you use STRATEGY? That's something new.

**Yuan Shao: **-confused– Oh… uh… Yuan Shang taught me some. He's quite helpful. -evil persona– BUT OH WELL!! My men will destroy you!

**Cao Cao: **-shocked– WHAT??

**Yuan Shao: **You will kneel before me!!

**Cao Cao: **…… I'm not afraid of PEONS!! Nowhere near the strength of LU BU!!

**Yuan Shao: **…Yea, but… we're about to destroy your army. We're gonna win.

**Cao Cao: **Listen, punk – my army defeated Lu Bu! DEFEATED HIM!! Do you think a few PEONS will mean anything to us??

**Yuan Shao: **-stamps foot with impatience– FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WE OUTNUMBER YOU 200 TO ONE!! EVEN **THAT'S** STRONGER THAN LU BU!!!

**Cao Cao: **-surprised– What?

**Yuan Shao: **That's right!! So we're about to destroy you all!

**Cao Cao: **-facepalm– DAMMIT!!

**Xiahou Dun: **-shakes head– Why US??

**Yuan Shao: **Hahaha! I don't need this fight anymore! Hey, Yuan Shang! -speaking to a nearby officer– Let's go to the Wuchao Beer Factory and celebrate! We've won this battle! I didn't even have to use my two new Pokemon, Zhang He and Zhen Ji!

**Yuan Shang: **Hah! That's laughable!! Yep, let's go!!

-Yuan Shao and Shang leave the area and walk off to Wuchao.-

**Cao Cao: **Hmm… Wuchao Beer Factory, eh?

-Shao and Shang make it to the Beer Factory, which is being run by Chunyu Qiong, an anime-style chibi character.-

**Yuan Shao: **Hey, Qiong! We've won this fight! Get me and Shang some Heinekens!

**Chunyu Qiong: **Hehe, alwight!! -hands them a Heineken bottle each-

**Yuan Shao: **-drinks up– Hah… this was too easy! Heck, I should invite more soldiers! We don't even need that many to fell Guandu castle! Wait for me right here, Shang! And, Chunyu Qiong, remember – don't drink the beer! It's for us grownups only, not for chibis, remember?

**Chunyu Qiong:** Yes, master!

**Yuan Shao: **Good! Alright, I'll be back! -runs off-

-Within minutes, he returns with several men, including Gao Lan, Zhang He and Zhen Ji, who came in with her husband Yuan Xi.

Zhang He was dressed rather oddly. He had a red body suit with a pointed tail, and red plastic horns. He carried a red pitchfork with him everywhere he went.

Zhen Ji, meanwhile, was dressed like a rockstar. She had 80s-style hair and always carried an electric guitar with her everywhere SHE went. It was amplified by a set of speakers attached to her waist. It should also be noted that she is INSANE on the guitar.

Yuan Xi was also dressed like a rockstar. Only he didn't have any instruments with him.

Gao Lan was just… Gao Lan. -

**Zhang He: **My, my, my! What is this? A party?? SATAN APPROVES!!

**Zhen Ji: **Ooh, with BEER even! Awesome, dude! -plays a rapid guitar solo-

**Yuan Xi: **Haha! Heineken is my favorite brand too!

**Yuan Shao: **-laughs– I'm glad to see that we're already enjoying this! Hey, Gao Lan! Get some music in here!

**Gao Lan: **Hell yea! -brings in a radio with a Guns & Roses CD inside– Let's have fun! -plays Welcome To The Jungle-

-Thus, Yuan Shao's men had a party in the Beer Factory. However, meanwhile, Cao Cao was planning a raid of the factory with his son, Cao Pi, and Yu Jin, while Xiahou Dun and the rest of the soldiers were busy holding off the enemies

Cao Pi was, in fact, just like Xiahou Dun – a hardcore metalhead. In contrast, though, thankfully he has never heard of Manowar. Only Metallica, Iron Maiden, Slayer, and Judas Priest. And a few death metal bands here and there.-

**Cao Cao: **Alright, guys – Yuan Shao clearly told us that he has a Beer Factory at Wuchao. If WE destroy it, it'll ruin their ability to have fun, and thus, grant us a guaranteed victory!

**Cao Pi: **Heh. I'D sure love to have some of that beer.

**Yu Jin: **When do you propose we attack, Cao Cao?

**Cao Cao: **-looks up– Just wait for them to finish their stupid party…

-At 4:00 AM, they finally finished their stupid party. Cao Pi and Yu Jin made their way to Wuchao quietly.

Chunyu Qiong, however, was still inside.-

**Chunyu Qiong: **-resting his head on the table– Man… Master Yuan Shao always tells me not to drink the beer. Why can't I, but everyone else can?? I don't see how it can be bad! -stares at a full bottle– Hmph! He probably just doesn't want me to have fun! Well I'LL show him!! -opens the bottle and drinks the whole thing– Ahh… delicious!!

-Qiong drinks more and more bottles until he eventually passes out from being drunk. At this time, Cao Pi and Yu Jin have already infiltrated the Beer Factory.-

**Cao Pi: **Alright, we've made it! -looks around– Wooooow! I can see why this made such a great place for a party!

**Yu Jin: **Now, how do we take this place down??

**Cao Pi: **-sees Chunyu Qiong– Whoa, watch out! -draws swords-

**Yu Jin: **What?? -draws sword-

**Cao Pi: **-looks closer– Oh. He's asleep! Hah! Figures guys who run a beer factory will eventually fall victim to their own products! Fortunately for us metalheads, we never have THAT happen to us! Haha!

**Yu Jin: **Hey, Cao Pi, look at this! -points to a large red button on the wall-

-The button says: "DO NOT PRESS!! SEVERE DISEMBOWELMENT MAY RESULT!!"-

**Cao Pi: **HAHAHA!!! Yea, nice try, Yuan Shao! -moves in to push the button, but gets stopped by Yu Jin-

**Yu Jin: **Cao Pi, WAIT!!

**Cao Pi: **-angrily– What?

**Yu Jin: **Think about what you're doing!! The button clearly says not to press it! Why are you trying to do so??

**Cao Pi: **-scoffs– Can't you see that this is merely a trick by Yuan Shao… to hide the REALLY BIG BEER DISPOSAL??

**Yu Jin: **-WTF expression– Huh?

**Cao Pi: **Once we push this button, we're gonna be met with ALL THE BEER WE COULD DRINK!! It'll be PARADISE!! Let's do it!! -pushes the button-

-Suddenly, the factory starts shaking.-

**Yu Jin: **-scared– Uhh… it's supposed to do THIS then?

**Cao Pi: **-clearly also nervous– Yea… just relax! It's shaking because of all the big stuff it has to move!

-Suddenly, explosions are heard.-

**Yu Jin: **-startled– AAH!! What was that??

**Cao Pi: **-now scared– Well I don't know!!

-More explosions, now drawing closer to the two. Chunyu Qiong wakes up suddenly-

**Chunyu Qiong: **Whoa!! What was tha– -sees the destruction– WHOA!! WHAT IS GOING ON HERE!?! -gets up– Did someone push the Self-Destruct button??

**Yu Jin and Cao Pi: **-in unision– **SELF-DESTRUCT BUTTON???**

-The explosions now start destroying the walls of the building and the large machinery.

Zhang He enters after hearing the loud noises.-

**Zhang He: **-shocked– WHAT IN THE NAME OF SATA– !!! HOLY SHIT!! I've got to call the Master to send help!! -runs right back out-

-Within seconds, Zhang He reaches Yuan Shao.-

**Zhang He: **MASTER!!! The Wuchao Beer Factory is under attack!!

**Yuan Shao: **WHAT??

**Zhang He: **Please, send some reinforcements or something!! These angels must be sent to HELL!!

**Yuan Shao: **-looks to the side in disgust– No… I can't! Forget it! The Beer Factory isn't as important as taking down Guandu castle!! I'll just send a few soldiers to investigate!

-Despite Zhang He's objection and threats of eternal damnation, Shao only sends some minor units to investigate the Factory. However, they too run out dead-scared after seeing what was happening.

Soon, the entire Factory was near collapse.-

**Cao Pi: **Shit! Let's get out of here!!

**Yu Jin: **I'm right behind you!!

-The two hurry out. After a few seconds, the entire factory blows up, spitting beer all over the place for about one square kilometer. The two lunge forward to avoid the explosion, but get drenched in beer.-

**Cao Pi: **-gets up– Whoa, man…

**Yu Jin: **-gets up as well– We did it… we destroyed the Wuchao Beer Factory!!

**Cao Pi: **-sips some of the beer off his finger– And, we even get some free drink!

**Yu Jin: **-sips on his finger too– Hell yea!

-Cao Pi and Yu Jin, still drenched in beer, return to Cao Cao and tell him the wonderful news. Soon, his whole army has advanced on Yuan Shao's main camp.

Cao Cao himself steps up to Yuan Shao.-

**Cao Cao: **-grinning– Well, how do you like THAT? We've destroyed your precious party house!

**Yuan Shao: **-growling– You insolent DOG!

**Cao Cao: **And our army has almost completely destroyed yours! Looks like there's no hope for you now! -raises sword-

**Yuan Shao: **Ahh, hey! -raises pokeball– Get away!

**Cao Cao: **-getting closer– Nope – it's YOU who should get away! Run away while you still have dignity!

**Yuan Shao: **Ughh… FINE! I'd rather run away to safer ground than deal with a savage like you! -runs away-

––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

**Narrator: **Cow Cow defeeted Yuan Shao at Guandu! Even tho he had tonsa doods, Yuan Shao still lost. PWNT!! ROFL!

––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

_Chapter Eight: "Battle of the WOOO!! Territory" coming next!_


	8. Battle of the WOOO! Territory

**Chapter Eight: Battle of the WOOO!! Territory**

––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

**Narrator: **Okay, guyz, y'kno somefink? Sun Ce actually fought teh Battel of the WOOO!! Territorey BEFOAR Cow Cow fought at Guandu! ROFL!!

-Sun Ce appears on a boat, heading toward a beautiful land filled with beaches, flowers, peach trees, and… strip clubs. He is standing next to his general Zhou Tai, holding Donald the Duck, originally Sun Jian's pet.-

**Sun Ce: **Oh, hell yea!! Dis be dat Territory where mah family is from!! I shall capture it, y'know what I mean?

Zhou Tai dresses like a pirate, except instead of a pirate hat, he has a ninja mask, and carries several shuriken with him as well as his Dao. Quite honestly, nobody knows if he's a ninja or a pirate. He just says he's a Goat… whatever that means…-

**Zhou Tai: **-speaking in a growl, like he always does– Yes…

**Sun Ce: **Hah! We shall claim this land for US then!! Once we win, you can forget Wu – we are now called WOOO!!!! (the first two exclamation marks are part of the name)

**Zhou Tai: **Good for you…

-Sun Ce's ships land. He and his soldiers get out, where they are met by several strange tribesmen. They had strange and scary Tiki masks and wooden staves. They quickly surrounded Ce and his men.-

**Sun Ce: **-scared– Waah! Wat be the meaning of this, dawg??

-One of the tribesmen takes off his mask, revealing himself to be Liu Yong. Two more of them followed, them being Yan Baihu and Wang Lang.-

**Liu Yong: **Forgive us for the scare, my friend.

**Yan Baihu: **We're the guardians of the WOOO!! Territory!

**Wang Lang: **Also known as OUR territory! We will not let ANYONE try and conquer us!

**Sun Ce: **-disappointed– Aww, f'real?? Damn, yo.

**Yan Baihu: **Sorry, man. County rules.

**Sun Ce: **-points at them– Well, I should tell you, dawg. We gots LOTSA soldiers! Thanks to me trading that stupid Imperial Seal! Hey, Zhou Yu! -looks to his side, where Zhou Yu was standing– You remember that, right?

**Zhou Yu: **-laughing– Ah, yes!

-Cut to a flashback of Sun Ce and Yuan Shu.

Sun Ce has the Imperial Seal with him, while wearing thick gloves, and Yuan Shu is staring at it excitedly.-

**Sun Ce: **Hey, Yuan Shu! You want this, don't ya?

**Yuan Shu: **-drooling– Ohh… Hell yea!! …Even though it smells kind of weird…

**Sun Ce: **Hah, alright, I'll give it to ya!!

**Yuan Shu: **OMG YES!! YESYESYESGIMMEGIMMEGIMME!! -reaches out to get it-

**Sun Ce: **-pulls the seal back– WHOA, whoa, let's not get hasty, though!

**Yuan Shu: **-comical sad face– What now? -sighs-

**Sun Ce: **I'll give it to you… IF you give me something in return!

**Yuan Shu: **-becomes excited again– Really?? What do you want then?? I'll give you ANYTHING! I swear!!

**Sun Ce: **Heh… I want 3,000 troops, 500 cavalry, 400 tons of duck food for Donald, and Kanye West's new CD!

**Yuan Shu: **DONE!! Just give it to me!! -takes the Seal– YES!!! I AM NOW AN ALMIGHTY GOD!!!

**Sun Ce: **-snorts– Hehe… yea…

**Yuan Shu: **I AM UNSTOPPABLE!! I AM INDOMITABLE!! I AM INDESTRUCTIBLE!!!

**Sun Ce: **-laughing to himself– Yep… you sure look it… Hehe!

**Yuan Shu: **I SHALL BECOME ONE AMONG THE HEAVENS WITH MY UNLIMITED POWER!!!

**Sun Ce: **-stops giggling and looks at him with ridicule– Sure… if you want to be another Zhang Jiao… go ahead… -walks away– Don't forget our deal, ok??

-He throws away his gloves and meets up with Zhou Yu, who was waiting outside.-

**Sun Ce: **–starts laughing again– Oh man! He grabbed it! He like, squished it all over!!

**Zhou Yu: **REALLY?? -laughs hysterically-

**Sun Ce: **Hell yea!! And he didn't even realize that it had duck shit all over it!!

**Zhou Yu: **HAHA!! Oh man, priceless, dude!! -high fives Ce-

-End flashback-

**Sun Ce: **-once again laughing hysterically– WHAT A DUMBASS!! HAHAHA!!

**Zhou Yu: **-also still laughing– A BUNCH OF TROOPS IN EXCHANGE FOR STINKING UP HIS HANDS!!! HAH!!

-Meanwhile, the tribesmen look at them with a "WTF" expression on their faces.-

**Liu Yong: **Uhh… yea… I'm glad to see that you two had fun. HOWEVER, once again, we're not letting you just TAKE our territory! If you want this place, you'll have to defeat ALL OF US!! -as he says this, the tribesmen raise their weapons-

**Sun Ce: **-stops laughing and stares wide-eyed– Oh crap…

**Liu Yong: **Men! GET'IM!!

-The tribesmen start rushing toward Sun Ce and his men. However, Ce puts Donald on the ground and Donald single-handedly wipes out all of the charging men. How did he do it? No idea. There was a huge cloud around the scene when he did.-

**Liu Yong: **-stares shocked– What… the…

**Sun Ce: **Now THAT'S a good duck!! C'mere, Donald! -picks him up– Good ducky! Good ducky!

**Liu Yong: **Shit… -turns to his men– Pull back!! We'll engage these invaders in war! Go to your assigned positions!

-With this, the tribesmen pull back, awaiting Ce's attack.-

**Zhou Yu: **Hah! Didn't even break a nail!

**Sun Ce: **-turns to Yu– That's cuz you didn't fight, wise-ass.

**Zhou Yu: **-laughs nervously– Well of course! That's what I meant!

**Sun Ce: **Well, whatever. -points to the front– Let's go, and CLAIM THIS TERRITORY FOR US!!

-Sun Ce's army spreads out and attacks the three different bases around the area – that is, the three bases that are keeping them away from Liu Yong's. These were commanded by Dong Xi, Wang Lang, and Yan Baihu.

Zhou Yu went to attack Yan Baihu, while Sun Ce went to attack Dong Xi. Zhou Tai was busy holding off the outside forces.

Sun Ce's younger brother, Sun Quan, had just arrived on his boat, unable to see his brother or generals. Quan was not too different from his older brother Ce, except that he wore lots of gold chains around his neck with dollar signs, and a backwards cap with a ruler on top.-

**Sun Quan: **Uhh… where is everyone?? Damn, man, every time I try to contribute, them boys gotta go the OTHER way… shit!

-Sun Ce made it to Dong Xi's base. His men put up fierce resistance, but Ce managed to confront Xi without having killed any of his men; just knocked them out.-

**Dong Xi: **Hey, Sun Ce! What do you think you're doing here?

**Sun Ce: **Hey, yo, relax, brotha! This be the land of my Ancestas! We gotta get it!

**Dong Xi: **Hah! You think we'll take THAT as an excuse?? Even IF it belongs to your ancestors, this land is OURS now!

**Sun Ce: **Bro… come on… Donald's hissing at you right now, for God's sakes! -which he was-

**Dong Xi: **Well, what's your point?

**Sun Ce: **Uhh… actually… I think it's cuz there's a fish on your head…

**Dong Xi: **Huh?? -moves his hand on his head, where indeed there was a fish– Ahh! Eww! -throws it off, while Donald flies up and catches it in midair-

**Sun Ce: **Hah, cool! Nice one, Donald!

**Dong Xi: **Damn… that's one cool duck you got there!

**Sun Ce: **Hell yea! I got 400 tons of duck food for him too, so that he may live a LONG time! Heh... That reminds me… I also got Kanye West's new CD! It be good!

**Dong Xi: **-looks at him surprised– No way?

**Sun Ce: **Yea way!

**Dong Xi: **Dude, I've been wanting to listen to that CD for a LONG time!

**Sun Ce: **Well, I've got it right here! -pulls it out-

**Dong Xi: **Ahh… forget this, man! You're too cool! I'm joining your side!

**Sun Ce: **F'real? Alright, dawg! -high fives Dong Xi-

-So Dong Xi was now on Sun Ce's side. They exited the base and met up with Sun Quan, who was just standing next to it.-

**Sun Ce: **Hey, Quan! You finally made it!

**Sun Quan: **-angrily– Yea… after YOU guys went off without me!

**Sun Ce: **-laughs– Aww, sorry, younger bro! We still cool, right? -raises hand for a high five-

**Sun Quan: **-just crosses his arms– Hmph. Well, alright… -high fives him-

**Sun Ce: **Yea! Alright then! How about you take out dat fool Liu Yong for us?

**Sun Quan: **Sure thing! -moves to Liu Yong's base-

-However, on the way to the base, Quan notices a building to the right – one of the Strip Clubs. This one was rather large, and it completely caught his attention.-

**Sun Quan: **Ah, hell, what's a short visit to this club to see LOTSA NAKED LADIES?? -grins and heads for the club-

-Meanwhile, Liu Yong received a message of Sun Quan's impending attack.-

**Liu Yong: **Ahh, perfect! -calls out– TAISHI CI! Come here!

-A tribesman with a much larger and uglier Tiki mask, and TWO sticks instead of one like the rest, appeared before Liu Yong.-

**Taishi Ci: **Yes, m'lord?

**Liu Yong: **Sun Ce's little brother Sun Quan is heading for the "Strip Club". Prepare the ambush party like I told you!

**Taishi Ci: **Ah yes! Will do! -runs off-

-As Sun Quan enters the club, which was empty, an ambush party led by Fan Neng jumps out and surrounds Sun Quan, who for some stupid reason came in by himself.-

**Sun Quan: **Aww, shit!

**Fan Neng: **Alright, guys, GET'IM!!

-The tribesmen capture Quan and carry him above their heads, all the while chanting something incomprehensible – perhaps because it was in another language. They arrive to one of their bases. They put him down and tie a long, thick pole onto his back. Then, they pick him up again and put the pole over two sturdy sticks. They put firewood right below him. Now he knows what's going on.-

**Sun Quan: **-nervous– Uhh… guys… You're not planning to COOK me, aren't you?

**Fan Neng: **Oh yes we are!! Death to the Sun family!

**Sun Quan: **SHIT!

-So they built a Rotisserie out of Sun Quan. They light the fire and start turning Quan round and round.

After a few seconds, Yu Mi joins them too.-

**Sun Quan: **-sweating from the heat, thinking to himself– Damn this… I need help!

-A scout from Sun Ce's army arrives and tells him the news.-

**Scout: **My Lord! Sun Quan has fallen into an enemy ambush!

**Sun Ce: **-worried– What??? No! What should we do??

**Zhou Tai: **-arrives next to Sun Ce– What happened?

**Sun Ce: **It's Sun Quan! He got ambushed! He might be killed in just a few seconds!

**Zhou Tai: **Don't worry! I'll go help him! -turns around and heads for Fan Neng's base-

-Zhou Tai makes it to Fan Neng's base and clears the area of tribesmen. However, when he tries to put the fire out (by throwing himself into it like an idiot), He catches the fire (literally) and starts running about wildly.-

**Zhou Tai: **OMG HELPHELPHELP!!!

**Sun Quan: **-growling, to himself– Useless retard…

**Fan Neng: **-facepalm, shaking his head– Men, get him.

-The tribesmen advance on Zhou Tai, but he manages to wipe them all out, including Yu Mi, just by ramming into them. He transferred HIS fire to them, and the flames eventually burnt them all down.-

**Zhou Tai: **-stopping and examining the scene– Hey… cool!

**Fan Neng: **-growls and points at Tai– You won't get away with that! I'll have your head!

**Zhou Tai: **-pulls out his sword– Bring it on, pussy!

-Fan Neng charges at Zhou Tai, but he vanishes before Neng's sword could touch him (one of his "ninja" tricks). Neng looks around, confused, and then Tai appears again, cutting him down.-

**Sun Quan: **-seeing the event– Wow, Zhou Tai! Impressive! Now get me out of– huh?

-Zhou Tai was now looting the corpse, stealing any and every shiny thing he had in him (one of his "pirate" abilities).-

**Sun Quan: **-sighs– Zhou Tai… you KNOW you don't ALWAYS have to be both a pirate and ninja…

**Zhou Tai: **What do I care about pirates and ninjas? I told you I'm a GOAT!

**Sun Quan: **-angrily– Just hurry up and get me out of here!

-As Zhou Tai moves to Sun Quan to untie him from the rotisserie, Quan notices that Tai has a strange wound on his left eye.-

**Sun Quan: **-now untied– Hey, Tai, what's that? -touches the wound-

**Zhou Tai: **-groaning in pain, moving his hands onto the wound– Agh! Don't do that!!

**Sun Quan: **Ah, sorry! But… how'd you get that?

**Zhou Tai: **-shaking head– It must've been from the damn flames…

**Sun Quan: **-scoffs– Ah, of course… -shakes head-

**Zhou Tai: **Well then… -stares at Quan– don't you have something to say?

**Sun Quan: **Huh?

**Zhou Tai: **Well… I just got you out of here? -moves hand around, waiting for a response-

**Sun Quan: **Ah, right! Well, thank you!

**Zhou Tai: **-disappointed– What, that's all??

**Sun Quan: **-frustrated– Huh?? What the hell did you want??

**Zhou Tai: **Aren't you gonna promote me for that?

**Sun Quan: **Goddammit, AGAIN???

**Zhou Tai: **Hey! If it weren't for me, you wouldn't even be standing there DENYING me that promotion!

**Sun Quan: **-facepalm– For the love of God, we've already promoted you to "Second-in-Command", and that was just to stop your whining over a promotion request for PICKING UP AN EMPTY PEPSI CAN AND THROWING IT IN THE TRASH CAN!!

**Zhou Tai: **-points– I did a good deed! I DESERVE such praise for that!

**Sun Quan: **Ughh… can we just get back to Sun Ce?? -runs off-

**Zhou Tai: **-turns around– Hey!! -chases-

-Sun Quan reaches his brother, who was currently attacking Wang Lang. Zhou Tai catches up with them after a few seconds.-

**Sun Ce: **-sees Quan– Hey! Bro! I'm glad to see you're still alive!

**Sun Quan: **Hell yea I am! But that dickhead Zhou Tai wants ANOTHER promotion!

**Sun Ce:** -stops smiling– What, again??

**Zhou Tai: **THIS TIME IT'S FOR REAL!! I SAVED THE LITTLE FUCKER'S LIFE!! I SURELY DESERVE A PROMOTION FOR **THAT!!**

**Sun Ce: **Zhou Tai, just shut up and help Zhou Yu fight Yan Baihu.

**Zhou Tai: **-growls– I better get a promotion after THIS one… -runs to Yan Baihu's base-

-Zhou Yu is dancing around the tribesmen, who stay put, confused. While he dances, though, he occasionally swings his sword and cuts down an enemy. However, they dare not come close to him.-

**Tribesman #1: **Guys… this is scary…

**Tribesman #2: **Well, how do we take him out??

-Just then, Zhou Tai arrives and defeats the rest of the tribesmen.-

**Zhou Tai: **Zhou Yu! Are you ok?

**Zhou Yu: **-stops dancing– Hah! Are you kidding? They didn't even want to come close to me!

**Zhou Tai: **-examines Yu– Well… I see why…

**Zhou Yu: **Huh?

-Zhou Yu had previously fallen into a trash pit that Yan Baihu had set as a trap. He looks absolutely horrid, and smells terrible as well.-

**Zhou Yu: **-looks at himself– Not my fault, ok??

**Zhou Tai: **Well where's Yan Baihu?

**Yan Baihu: **-appears before them– I'm right here!!

-Yan Baihu's weapon is a long staff, compared to most of the other tribesmen. His mask has a sad face on it, for reasons unknown.-

**Zhou Yu: **-looks at him– WELL! Emo boy!

**Yan Baihu: **-surprised– Huh???

**Zhou Yu: **-gets closer– What? Are you gonna CRY?? Did I INSULT you so HEAVILY??

**Yan Baihu: **What the fuck are you talking about??

**Zhou Yu: **-still getting closer– Denying that you're just a dumb FAILURE of life?? Looks like you better CUT YOURSELF to relieve the PAIN.

**Yan Baihu: **-backing up– Dude, shut up!

**Zhou Yu: **Or what?? You'll listen to LINKIN PARK and CRY YOUR EYES OUT because NO ONE UNDERSTANDS YOU?? Because you've got it SO ROUGH??

**Zhou Tai: **-angrily– Hey! I like Linkin Park!

**Zhou Yu: **-calmly turns to Zhou Tai– Shhh… don't tell anyone.

**Yan Baihu: **-raises staff– I don't know what you're talking about, but I'll kill you right here and right now!

-Yan Baihu charges at Zhou Yu, who simply steps out of the way. This continues for quite a few minutes before Zhou Tai gets bored and strikes down Yan Baihu.-

**Zhou Yu: **-sees the fallen enemy– Tai, what the hell?? I was having fun!

**Zhou Tai: **Well **I **sure wasn't!

**Zhou Yu: **-sighs– Oh fine.

**Zhou Tai: **Now THIS time I better get a promotion for my accomplishment!

-The two Zhous return to Sun Ce's side, where he already had Wang Lang backed into a corner, begging for his life. All of his soldiers were laying on the floor, obviously dead, with several beak-shaped marks on their armor.-

**Wang Lang: **-praying stance– Please! Don't send Donald out on me!! I'll do anything!!

**Sun Ce: **Aw, come on, yo! Donald just likes having fun!

**Wang Lang: **But I don't wanna die!

**Sun Ce: **Well ya should've thought twice before messin' wit us then!

**Wang Lang: **-points behind Ce– Hey look! It's Eazy E!

**Sun Ce: **-turns around– WHAT??

-Wang Lang uses this opportunity to escape from the island via a small boat.-

**Sun Ce: **Is he really still alive…?

**Zhou Tai: **-looks at Ce in ridicule– Hey, moron. He was using that to distract you.

**Sun Ce: **-disappointed– Oh. Shit! I knew it was too good to be true!!

**Sun Quan: **-sighs– Well, whatever. That's two down. All that's left is Liu Yong!

**Sun Ce: **You're right. Let's get him!!

-Sun Ce's forces make their way to the last remaining base. However, just before they could make it in, they are stopped by Taishi Ci, who takes out several soldiers with one swing of his two sticks.-

**Sun Ce: **Whoa! What's the deal, man?

**Taishi Ci: **So, YOU'RE the famous Sun Ce?? Forget the others – I want to fight YOU! -points one of his sticks at Ce-

**Sun Ce: **Hah! Are you serious?? Alright, then!

-Sun Ce's men make it into the base while Ce stays outside to duel with Ci.

A wrestling ring appears out of nowhere, much like the time when Cao Cao beat up the n00b back in Luoyang during the Yellow Turban Rebellion. Ci and Ce get in the ring.-

**Taishi Ci: **So, Little Conqueror – How does it feel to be staring into the face of Death??

**Sun Ce: **-stares at his mask– Quite revolting, to be quite honest, if Death were THAT ugly.

**Taishi Ci: **-becomes a little angry– Is that an insult?

**Sun Ce: **You bet!!

**Taishi Ci: **Those shall be your last words!!

-Taishi Ci charges at Ce, who gets out of the way. He continues chasing Ce around, until Ce finds Donald standing behind the ropes. He gives a little touch to Donald's wing, and Donald steps into the ring while Ce moves to Donald's original position. This is otherwise known as a "tag" in Professional Wrestling.-

**Taishi Ci: **-backs up– What the hell – Donald?? I got myself into a HANDICAP MATCH?? (match with uneven numbers of opponents, such as two-on-one)

**Sun Ce: **-laughs– Too bad for you, dawg!

-Taishi Ci attempts to fight off Donald, but Donald dodges his every move, and then jumps onto Taishi Ci's head. Ci runs around, trying to get him off, but Donald's grip is strong, and his pecks even stronger.Ci eventually stumbles, throwing Donald off. When Ci gets back up, he kicks Donald across the ring, hurting him greatly.-

**Sun Ce: **Dammit! -calling out– Donald!!

-Taishi Ci picks Donald up and throws him across again. However, before Ci could deliver another blow, Donald jumps up out of desperation and bites Ci's groin, causing him to fall to the ground in pain. Donald flaps to Ce's position and tags his hand. Ce gets in and delivers a body slam. He gets down and pins Ci.-

**Random Soldier: **-counting– One! Two! THREE!! -bell rings– Ladies and Gentlemen, your winner – SUN CE!!!

**Taishi Ci: **-gets up painfully– Ugh… you sure are a tough one…

**Sun Ce: **-laughs– Well hey, so are you! No one has been able to do that shit to Donald before!

**Taishi Ci: **Oh yea. He sure is an interesting fellow.

**Sun Ce: **Hey, look. Donald doesn't seem to hold any grudges. He's even circling your feet!

**Taishi Ci: **Hah! Would ya look at that?

-Donald looks up into Ci's face and quacks.-

**Sun Ce: **I think he wants to be your friend!

**Taishi Ci: **Hmm. -picks up Donald– I think I want to be his friend too!

-Suddenly, Donald bites on Ci's mask.-

**Taishi Ci: **Gah! Well he sure is hyper, it seems!

**Sun Ce: **Hey, how about you join us?? You'll get to play with Donald all you want!

**Taishi Ci: **Really?

**Sun Ce: **-nods– Yup!

**Taishi Ci: **Alright, I'll do it!

-Just then, Donald jumps up onto Ci's head.-

**Taishi Ci: **He'll sure be a tough one to look after…

**Sun Ce: **-laughs– Of course!

-Sun Ce and Taishi Ci catch up with the others. Liu Yong already lay defeated by the WOOO!! Forces. He begged for his life in the same manner as Wang Lang, but Zhou Tai spared him no mercy and cut him down.-

**Zhou Tai: **-turning around– Alright, we did I– WHOA, SUN CE! -draws sword towards Taishi Ci– Enemy!

**Sun Ce: **Whoa, relax, relax! He's one of US now!

**Zhou Tai: **-staring in disbelief– Are you serious?

**Sun Ce: **Yea!

**Zhou Tai: **Oh, whatever… -puts away sword– SO! Do I get a promotion THIS time??

**Sun Ce: **-facepalm– Dear God, not again…

––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

**Narrator: **Soo now teh Sun Say's army captured teh WOOO!! Territory and it served as teh home for the WOOO!! army! Dey are gonna expand using dat land!!

––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

_Chapter Nine: "Guan Yu's Escape (from the Knights of Steel)" coming next!_


End file.
